two of 1,320,000,002ish

Emma's sign language

2010-01-16T20:15:00.002+08:00

Dear Emma,
Mommy and Daddy are slowly learning your language - sign language that is. Your favorite sign? I’m hungry, FEED me. You sign this by doing a scooping motion to your chest with both hands, like we’d do when trying to say “GIMME GIMME”. But since it’s possible you’re just flailing your arms, we don’t move quite yet. Then you stick out your tongue a little in between some persistent cries of “ah-HEH, ah-HEH, AH-HEH!” and we finally get the picture. When we’re really dense, you turn your head all the way to the left or to the right with your mouth open, demonstrating “See? If you cradle hold me, milk should go in my mouth like this. Now FEED me!”

Your pee, poop, and spit up signals are still a little mixed up for us. So far we’re doing a process of elimination for these. If you aren’t hungry and your diaper is clean, then you’re fussy because you’ve got gas and something’s gonna come out one end or the other... maybe both. Your mouth will turn into an O, sometimes you’ll have a look of concentration, and sometimes you just cry in frustration. But recently you’ve begun to cover your mouth lady like before you spit up, so I get about a second to grab a towel to clean you up and save my clothes.

Since your signals in regards to diaper changing (your daddy’s job) are still a little mixed up, Daddy decided to teach you his system: raise your hand if you gotta go pee. He’s very proud of you because not long after he told you this you raised your hand and promptly went. Later, you raised both hands. “Two hands? What does.... OH! I get it. Good job, Emma.” Daddy said.

Emma's arrival

2010-01-16T20:10:00.003+08:00

Dear Emma,
Welcome to the world and welcome to our family! It comforts me to know that no matter how life turns out, you were born to the world with our love and given the utmost care that we could provide. You are blessed with welcome from our extended family and friends around the world whom have been waiting for your arrival with great anticipation. You’ve brought joy to us and I expect that life for us will only get better.

Your birth was not a smooth one. You were a second away from needing to be C-sectioned out. It was as if you had planned to arrive exactly on your due date, perhaps to meet this Santa person who gives presents, but then at the last minute decided against it (did you find out about the naughty or nice list?) and dug your heels in. Right before it was time to for me to push, your back was to the side and you were refusing to turn over, slipping back into your spot despite our efforts. After 15 hours of labor, the last 5 hours were you digging in your heels, you finally arrived. You were 4kg exact (8.8 lbs), 53cm (20.8 in), and a head circumference of 36.5 cm (14.4 in). To put that in perspective, you're in the top 10th percentile of female babies in terms of weight and height, but your head size is in the top 5th percentile. I most likely will constantly remind you of this and claim that you owe me, but really I just hope for you to remember that we worked hard to have you in our life and wish for you to live it to the fullest.

People say that you look like daddy, but I think you look like me. Your full head of hair is definitely from me, but your hair style is daddy’s. Your eyes are mine, and maybe nose too. Your mouth is daddy’s, but we’re not sure who you get your non-eyebrows from. When I try to claim that you got my chin, daddy asks which one? (double-chin entendre) Regardless of who you look like, you’ve got personality of your own that we adore.

Baby Mike Emma vs Daddy

Baby Helen Emma vs Mommy

Emma got attitude
Emma 1 Emma 2 Emma 3

How I decided to become a mom

2009-11-05T20:11:00.001+08:00

I wrote this a while ago... had technical difficulties (Chinese firewall).

****

Baby Shyu’s got approximately 7 weeks to go. I guess it’s time to start thinking about the end of pregnancy and the beginning of motherhood. As much as I know how it’s supposed to go, it’s still something that no one can control and who knows how things will turn out. As with most things in life, all I can do is do my best and just accept whatever may come.

I guess you can say that I’ve been preparing myself for motherhood for almost 2 years. When Mike and I got married (4.5 years ago) I knew that I’d be a mother one day but didn’t have the confidence for it just yet. Just trying to have it all: a happy husband, a bonded family, a fulfilling career, a dream home, a social life, a solid financial future, physical fitness and health, and all other aspirations for charity work or helping the environment... was already overwhelming me. I think I got a good start on all of that with a lot of help and support from Mike, but I also wondered how long I could keep all of that up once you add a baby into the equation. People say that you’ll just deal with everything day by day when the baby comes, so just do it and you’ll be fine. Mike’s one of those people. Me, I’m not so confident. I gotta KNOW as much as I can until there’s nothing else to learn except from doing it.

I also had a hard time figuring out life when we first got to China. Of course the language, culture, and getting around part of life were the least of MY difficulties, unlike others that come to China. Looking back I see that I wasn’t satisfied with a lot of things in our new life. My confidence in my abilities took a hit when I started working with Mike in his office. Mike and I always agree on our goals and what should be the ultimate result, but how we approach things is so very different. I couldn’t complete a lot of tasks as well as I should have because his approach felt so alien to me and I couldn’t help resisting and feeling resentful. Outside of work was tough too. I dislike confrontation, so having to bargain for every thing every time I go shopping and not finding familiar brands when I shop was such a drain on my spirits. So all in all, even though starting a family was on our agenda for life in China, I wasn’t confident enough to do it. I just felt that I couldn’t accomplish anything and that everything little thing although simple was so overwhelming.

It wasn’t until one night Mike confronted me about how I spend my time wasting away and not doing anything productive since we got to China. Mike was up to his eyebrows in his work and trying so hard to push things along and make things happen. Where as I literally could do anything I want but after months and months I still had nothing to show for my time in China. Get an Engineering job? Teach English? Take classes? Do creative writing? Really, anything. It took some time for me to realize why I didn’t want to do any of that. They were not the main drive for me to come to China. The reasons for me to come to China were so that Mike could reach a new level in his career and that it was financially possible for us to start a family.

Well then... what are we waiting for? Ehh... I dunno if I’m ready. Mike asks me why not? What am I not sure about? Well... how do I know if I’m going to be a good mom? What if a baby is more than I can handle? I’ve never been around babies, so they just seem so alien to me. What am I gonna do when the baby cries? Where am I gonna find stuff to buy for the baby? Is this the right environment for our baby? etc etc. Mike in his typical fashion dispelled all my doubts with a few words of humor and faith. It doesn’t really matter what he said, but what I thought of after he said it. I have faith in Mike. I have faith that with him, we can make things work. I’ve seen how he is with children and I’m confident that he’ll be a good father. So even if I screw up and I’m not the best mom ever, I’m sure the kid will turn out fine because Mike will be a good father. Wasn’t that one of the reasons I married him? How could I not love a mini Mike? Or two or three? And that should be reason enough for me to be a mom.

And so, I was ready to have our child. I was ready to become a mom. And even with all that we’ve been through with Daniel, I didn’t give up on becoming a mom. Maybe because of Daniel, I wanted to become a mom even more. Life would suck if I didn’t get that happy ending, where I get to hold our child in my arms after birth and hear that first cry. That’s what we couldn’t have with Daniel. That’s the moment I look forward to these days, and why I won’t complain too much as my back aches and my skin stretches from being pregnant. I want my happy ending of pregnancy and the beautiful start for becoming a mom.

Feed the baby

2009-09-07T22:54:00.001+08:00

So I read that I should have gained 15 lbs (7kg) by now, but I've only gained around 10 lbs (4.5kg). In order to gain healthy weight, my life these days is revolved around food. I eat 5 times a day: breakfast, lunch, tea time, dinner, and pre-midnight snack. I pretty much don't leave the house unless it's to buy food, eat food, or meet people over food. I'm eating something every 2~3 hours.

Lately what I've been eating is as follows:

Breakfast: Milk shake, or fried egg w/toast, or cereal w/milk, or oatmeal, or pastry, or 5 silver dollar pancakes with real maple syrup (Thanks to Larke for the mix and syrup!).

Lunch: Pasta w/IKEA meatballs or w/chicken, or a burger or two (chicken or fish), or a chicken sandwich, or a chicken burrito, or tofu soup with veges.

Tea Time: Fruit, or milk and cookies, or ice cream, or pastry, or leftover lunch.

Dinner: Home cooked Chinese meal, KFC chicken bucket, Mexican, or Japanese.

Pre-midnight snack: Fruit or leftover dinner.

That's just the healthy stuff. I'm sure I've sneaked cookies, chips, gummy bears, cakes, bakery goods and other junk into this diet every so often.

My life is so about food, that half the content in my purse is food. My purse carries a rotation of gummy bears, chips, cookies, and granola bars. I carry around a lock-and-lock tupperware so that I can carry around food or bag leftovers to bring home. I even bag up the food that our friends at the table didn't finish. I have no shame. I gotta feed this baby somehow.

My time online has been about food too. I'm browsing online sites that deliver food and cash on delivery. I'm trying them out to see how good their service is and how good their products are. I haven't found one site or physical store that offers all that I need yet, which makes shopping so fustrating. I'm not even talking about price comparing, they just flat out don't offer all the products. I hope to find everything I need delivered to me one way or another as I will be getting too big to get around soon.

Smoke and dreams

2009-09-02T20:34:00.003+08:00

I understand smokers have rights too, but when you and I share a restaurant/café/indoor space would you please refrain from lighting it up? It’s one thing for you to smoke after your meal, but another for you to light up the cig just to have it burn between your fingers and never touch your lips again. Can I interest you in a candle? It does exactly what you’re doing with that cig and is much better for our health. Baby and I will buy you a pack of candles if you don’t light up that cig.

Doesn't China have regulations against smoking indoors you ask? Actually, I think it does. I just read on WSJ about some people getting detained for a few days after refusing to put out their smoke in shopping markets. "...China’s new fire-control regulations came into effect May 1. Under the regulations, anyone who smokes or lights an open flame in a hazardous situation can be subject to up to five days detention."

The life of "just us two" will be coming to an end, and we’re starting to plan for the exciting life of three. Mike’s jet setting life of Asian Frisbee Tournaments might be put on halt until baby’s ready to join us. (Hope this one travels well. Do they make baby Frisbee gear? Hear that fiveultimate? Hint hint.) Our third bedroom/walk-in-closet/poker room is now cleared of table and chairs, clothes shifted to our bedroom closets to make room for baby's stuff, and soon I'm gonna decorate the walls to turn it into a nursery. We sat in the future nursery at night and talked about where the crib should go, whether or not we want to leave the shaggy green rug where it is, where my Ikea Poing chair for nursing will go, and what other furniture baby will need. It's a nice feeling, having something to look forward to, to dream about.

Now that the table and chairs are removed, the room looks a lot bigger than I had thought. Looks like baby will have a good amount of floor to drool, crawl, and play on. We’ll see if I can keep the toys in there with baby instead of all over the living/dining room. There is certainly enough shelves along the wall to keep the potential Barbie/GI Joe/Elmo/Pooh etc. toy stuff displayed. Theme? No theme yet.

Pregnant in China

2009-08-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

Today’s the first time someone gave up the seat to me on public transportation. I had deliberately missed one train on the subway so that I could be first in line for the next train and grab an available seat. My destination was at least 40 minutes away and I didn’t want to spend it standing up. There was only one seat available in the car that arrived and it was almost mine. Two teenaged girls got to it the same time as I did and one of them took it. I had a second of annoyance on my face before the lady sitting next to her took a glance at my belly and my standard pregnant woman apron dress, widened her eyes, and got up to let me sit. The second teenage girl almost sat down in the seat but I didn’t hesitate this time and squeezed into the seat as I said thank you to the lady that stood up. I guess this instance was proof of good and bad manners of people in Beijing.

Today’s also the first time I bought baby clothes! There’s a boutique by my house that is having an end-of-lease sale, so I got a green with yellow polkadots onesie and a yellow sweater for baby. SO CUTE! Both 100% cotton and although made in China they are “export quality”. They didn’t shrink after the first wash, so all is good. Although my heart wishes to buy baby organic cotton brand name clothes, building a whole wardrobe with it doesn’t seem frugal nor practical. I read that some study out there took a sample of children clothes in China and found that a majority of them have some residue of pesticides or whatever chemicals, so I have to be very careful about whom I buy from and always wash before use. This boutique owner is very knowledgeable about where her stock comes from and the quality of the products. That’s as good of an assurance as I’ll get for now in China.

Baby musings

2009-08-26T23:45:00.001+08:00

I read somewhere that pregnant women with frequent heartburn have babies with a full head of hair. If that’s true, then this one’s gonna be a Wookiee. (Here’s where Mike chimes in and says “just like her mama!”)

Baby Shyu’s wriggling in the tummy has turned into sharper pokes and kicks. Mike’s waiting for the day that he can feel it too. The “was that baby or a random cramp” has turned into a “was that a poke or a kick” question. She goes quiet whenever Mike places his hands on my belly though, as if playing a game of hide and seek. I think it'll be a few weeks before baby can play patty cake.

Currently baby weighs about a pound and is little longer than 8 inches, or so they say. She’s starting to grow her fat and muscles, possibly doubling her weight in the next month. It will be scary if my weight doubles as well! Ha. The skin around my belly feels tight as if it’s about to burst and split sometimes, but a good belly rubbing makes me feel a lot better. My belly button has started to change too. Mike's waiting for it to pop out. He says it'll be my third nipple. Oi.

Baby Bump

2009-08-17T15:07:00.003+08:00

To borrow lyrics from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s famous song: Oh my god, Becky, look at her… BELLY!

Yup, this belly has popped. Currently I’m at least 4kg (9lbs) heavier than pre-pregnancy and my waist is 6.5in (YIKES!) wider. My hips feel larger too, but I’m still in denial about that so no measurement for you. =p There was a second sometime ago where I went into a panic because I thought I could no longer touch my toes, but I tried again and succeeded. I imagine that will change soon enough.

So Mike and I took a little babymoon last week. Mike had an Ultimate Frisbee tournament in Singapore and then we hopped right over to Thailand for a nice 5-night vacation. I’ll write more about the trip later because this post is the baby update.

What baby update? Well the day before we left for the trip we had THE CHECKUP – the halfway mark and detailed ultrasound. Baby Shyu is developing nicely, just the right size with all the fingers and toes. What a relief it was to see all the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, though in no way was it anything like the peaceful floating in a bubble that a lot of drawings depict. Baby’s actually a bit cramped in there! During the ultrasound, baby was actually head down and pushing around trying to get more space. Practicing for the big push perhaps? I’ve no clue. Everything from this point on is new territory and we’re ecstatic about it. We’re so looking forward to be able to feel baby from outside the belly (kick mommy!), then meeting for the first time around Christmas.

The only thing the doctor ordered was for me to gain more weight (I was only +2kg the day of the checkup). Well I’ve definitely achieved that this past week, doubling my weight gain! Ah thank you Singapore chili crabs, Thailand hotel Thai food buffets, room service American breakfast and croissants, and the bountiful shrimps in every dish we ate the past week. Seeing as how I eat 5 times a day, that’s a lot of food. I’m so glad I brought my lock-and-lock with me for all those meals. The leftover chili crab with bread for next morning’s breakfast was excellent. I anticipate this week that baby will be wondering where all the yummy seafood went and issue a complaint with me. Sorry baby, it’s not the same in Beijing.

This isn’t 100%, but the technician thinks it may be a girl. YAY! A girl would be great to lavish our affections on. I suspected it might be a girl earlier in the pregnancy although I wasn’t as sure later on. Either way, this one’s gonna be loved. All we pray for is that baby is healthy. Mike’s debating on whether to collect knives or guns to scare future suitors. HA!

So Mike and I are now thinking of names, but it seems easier to think of names NOT to name her:
• Already in the family – ie: Anna; Ariel; Gillian; Helen; Leslie; Maureen; Natalie; Rosalie; Stephanie; Tiffany; Wendy; Whitney; Charlotte; (in no particular order)
• No colors - ie: Ruby Shyu; Jade Shyu; Pearl Shyu; Heather Shyu;
• No seasons – ie: Summer Shyu; Autumn Shyu;
• Watch the initials – ie: A.S.S.
Yeah, the list goes on. I’m sure you’ll think of more. Whatever our choice is, the advice we got from a fellow tourist in Thailand was to keep the name a secret ‘til the end. I guess if we let the name out, someone’s gonna find a way to ruin it, such as knowing another person with that name and adding a bad connotation to it. There’s wisdom in that advice, so mum’s the word.

Shopping for baby items is next? How early is too early to be buying stuff? And good lord, that’s a lot of money.

Halfway mark update

2009-08-01T12:48:00.002+08:00

So Baby Shyu is halfway done with the “living in my belly” part of its life. From our last checkup we saw that baby is looking fully human: round head, strong spine, beating heart, and arms and legs that do kung fu. We had tried to take a peek at the “family jewels” or the lack thereof, but baby’s head was in the way. We’ll just have to try again next time.

From the ultrasound photo I noticed a thick white band of “substance” in between the skin of my belly and the baby. My eyes widened at the sudden alarm rushing through me from the shocking thought: “EEEKS! That’s a whole lotta fat!” Fortunately the doctor saw my shaking finger pointing at the substance and enlightened me that it was the placenta. I went Ahhh... and gave a relieved chuckle. So baby’s placenta is situated in the front, acting as a natural buffer between me and its kung fu moves. That would explain why I can’t exactly say if that jabbing pain in me is from the baby or spicy food.

What is annoying are pregnant hormones, specifically progesterone. As I understand it, it’s relaxing my intestine muscles so that food passes by slower and my body can have more time to take nutrients from the food. The annoying part of this is the gas that builds up. Mostly the gas rises (I deny any that come out the other way) and causes me to burp. One or two burps are not a problem. It’s the late at night, lying in bed, suddenly have a million gas bubbles part that is extremely annoying. It feels like heartburn and throwing up gas that’s on fire. It’s already hard to sleep through the night from the tossing from side to side due to pressure on the hips and veins as well as the two trips a night to the bathroom, now I have to sit up and burp fire non-stop for five minutes. Baby, you so owe me.

By the way, Oh So Bossy Baby has relaxed and chilled. It is possible that I just don’t feel baby as sharply as before because of the placenta buffer. It is also possible that baby has gotten off my case now that I live by its strict schedule: eat every two or three hours when I’m awake and don’t forget that midnight snack (which probably contributes to the late night/early morning fire breathing). Lately I’ve been drinking soymilk, which eases the hunger pains a lot and lets me enjoy eating rather than wolfing down food with a frown to ease the pain.

So far I’ve only gained 2kg (4lbs) and when you look at me from the front I look pretty much the same, although some think my face has gotten thinner. Looking at me from the side on the other hand, I’m no longer the “maybe she ate a lot of burritos” size but the “that’s a baby bump, let me ask how far along is she” size.

I go to prenatal yoga once a week, but I’m the smallest in the class. Other ladies are 34 weeks (one has twins!), some 29 weeks, and one that’s 26 weeks. We go around the room introducing ourselves and I announce my little 19 weeks bump to the 34 weeks everything is open and about to drop ladies. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I don’t need yoga yet and I’ll just come back in a month or two. But after the class I feel so relaxed and my aches are all gone, I say to myself that I gotta come back again. I adore the little babies that come to the studio for the postnatal yoga classes. If baby is good I'll bring it then too. Who knows? Maybe baby will make a friend. =)

When one door closes, a window will open...

2009-07-12T11:31:00.002+08:00

So as you may or may not have noticed, Mike and I have not been on Facebook. That's because Great Firewall of China has blocked our access to it. But to my surprise this morning, Blogger/Blogspot is no longer blocked! YAY! I have way to post stuff to the outside world! This just made my day. Now I just hope that China lets us keep this connection to my blog.

BTW, if you comment on this post via Facebook, we can't see it. To comment, please click on the link to the original post so that we can read it on blogspot. haha.

Bossy little thing

2009-07-01T22:28:00.000+08:00

If you ask how me and the baby are, these past few days I would tell you that this baby's a bossy little thing.

Between 8AM ~ 9AM it does something that wakes me up, conveying to me in annoyance "Are you up yet?" Then at 10AM, 2PM, 5PM, and 8PM it scrunches up something in me and demands "Feed me!" And not just anything will do. Some things that I liked before taste like cardboard and I cannot take a second bite. If I guess right, then I can finish a whole plate and then some. It changes its preference often too. Buffalo wings were good one week, then the next it's cardboard. Worst was the day after we came back from Hong Kong and Shanghai. I had lots of tasty things all weekend long at both places, then I come back and nothing in our house satisfies the baby. "What is this you feed me? Where's the good stuff that I had all weekend? I am not pleased." it complains. I'm in front of the fridge the whole day trying to find food to appease the Oh So Bossy one.

Lately it has started to control when I go to bed as well. If I had a busy day, then around 11:30PM it pushes me around and won't stop until I lay down. On a light day it let's me stay up 'til 12:30. One night we had people over 'til 2AM, and around 1:30 it twisted everything in me and yelled "Woman! Go to bed!" I said a hasty goodnight to our guests and laid down quickly. It took a while before the baby was convinced that I came to bed.

And then today baby got bored and suddenly acted up. Pushed itself against something on my right side so hard it got my undivided attention. Nothing I said to it convinced it to stop pushing, so I got up and walked around but it didn't do the trick. I stood in front of the fridge but baby wasn't hungry. I complained to its father, telling him that his kid is a bully. He said "Sweet! Who'd he beat up? Did he get someone's lunch money?" When I whined he said that the kid's just strong and gave me a proud smiley face. *sigh* Poor me. In desperation I played some music, and all of a sudden the baby let go of the pressure and let me be in peace.

One of these days, I'm gonna show this kid who's boss. But I guess right now, baby's the boss since it's holding my internal organs hostage. 15 weeks down, 25 more to go.

Announcing Baby Shyu

2009-06-24T09:56:00.007+08:00

Head, shoulders, knees and toes... our baby’s got ‘em all. It’s official now, it has its own chart in my hospital file and everything. Baby Shyu is currently 13~14 weeks, due on 12/24/2009 Christmas Eve. Another 6 months to go.

This is our second peek at the little one. It was just a peanut shaped thing last time we saw it. Now its head and spine formation is complete. On the black and white ultrasound photo you can see a little of its cheekbones and face structure. Gonna be a beauty.

Baby Shyu’s heartbeat is strong. We saw the flickering movement on the monitor and heard its fast beat in the doctor’s office. It’s an active one too, did a little dance during the sonogram to show off its arms and legs.

Now we pray that the good news keeps coming: that baby remains healthy.

Here’s what we showed our family after we had our first ultrasound. They say a picture says a 1000 words.

Here’s what I wrote in my secret diary (waiting for today to make public) when the stick showed positive:

April 27, 2009

The long wait is over… we’re finally pregnant again!

It’s been 7 months since we lost Daniel. The doctor had suggested that we wait at least 3 months before trying again, to give my body time to heal and rest. It actually took us 4 months before we felt physically and emotionally ready. And I think a large part of the speedy recovery had to do with being with our family for the holidays. So the past 3 months we’ve been patiently waiting (but I’ll admit that I was pretty disappointed when I wasn’t pregnant last month), but now I can say the long wait is over! We’re pregnant again!

Now as optimistic as we are, dear hubby cautions me to not get too excited and get my hopes up. As we experienced, having a baby is not so easy. So I’m keeping emotions in check, concentrating on health related issues like taking folic acid, taking less caffeine, getting a balanced diet and exercise etc. I’ll let myself go nuts with the other fun stuff after we pass the 20-week mark.

I didn’t have many pregnancy symptoms during my last pregnancy, so I expect that it will be the same this time: no morning sickness (thank god), no food aversions, and no obvious cravings (lucky for dear hubby). But I do feel fatigue every once in a while and I gotta pee a lot. Also, not sure why but during this particular pregnancy I rise/wake up earlier while last pregnancy I couldn’t get out of bed at all. Does that mean this one will be an early riser? Oh the horror!

I expect the next 15 weeks (I’m about 5 weeks now) are going a little déjà vu. I’m signing back on to the pregnancy websites thebump, ivillage, and whattoexpect. The prenatal books are unearthed from the bookshelf, where I have fun comparing the baby’s size to fruits: blueberry, grape, apple, and as big as I got was a mango. I like to keep progress of the fetal development: like right now it’s developing its face (jaw, cheeks and chin), kidneys and liver. Next week it’ll be the brains, mouth, arms and legs. Fascinating!

Helen’s over-detailed travel post: Singapore (Day 0)

2009-04-16T22:52:00.006+08:00

April 8th, 2009
Leaving Beijing

08:15 I said goodbye to Mike. He’s not quite awake yet but enough to say goodbye, have a good trip, and that he loves me. I feel a bit sappy and feel like crying a little. I suppose you can say that I’ve become attached to him. =)

08:50 Some website told me that my flight leaves from T1, but after arriving PEK I realize I can’t find my airline in T1. I call the PEK help line, but they are of no help. I find the info desk and at first she couldn’t find my flight in the system (what do you mean you can’t find my flight?!) but a second look confirmed that my flight is from T2. It’s about a 10 min walk between T1 and T2. (The signs said so.) Good thing it’s not at T3, the world’s largest terminal.

09:20 Helen Lu calls me from work to wish me a safe flight and a good trip. How sweet! I txt Mike that I’m @ gate. It’s weird how you much want to connect with loved ones when you’re at the airport. I wonder how airports can be redesigned to ease this anxiety.

09:30 There’s only like 1 place to eat after you pass immigrations inside T2. I’m always disappointed by the food, but end up eating there anyways.

10:00 I found a book I’ve been looking for since I saw it in a magazine! Without Borders and B&N in China, I’ve been desperate in my search for good quality books. It’s a tutorial on how to wear silk scarves. It’s kind of pricey since it’s translated over from Japanese, but I think I need it. I also left my soda on the bookstore’s shelf. Oops.

BEST STORY OF THE DAY
10:45 A Chinese kid yells “Hello!” to the westerners on the shuttle bus. They yell “Hello!” back to him with smiles on their faces. After some prodding from his mom, the kid says “My name is Jiang An.” One guy laughs “My name is John too!”

11:15 I whip out my Spanish book on the plane. I fall asleep before the flight leaves the ground. =p

12:00 Lunch is served. "Pork noodles or fish rice?" they asked. I didn’t feel like noodles, so I braved the fish rice. It’s surprisingly good! The fish is like fish paste nuggets in Gong Pao sauce. I think I got one of the last servings. It’s a popular choice.

12:30 The guy sitting next to me starts a conversation with me. My Spanish book was his opening. He says his wife (who is in the next aisle with their children) taught Spanish and French before becoming a school counselor. He’s from Hawaii and she’s from Mexico. They live in LA (which is the flight’s destination after Shanghai), 15 min away from Disney. He travels lots since he works for a cargo company, and his 3 favorite cities to possibly move to are HK, Shanghai, and Singapore. I ask him where he recommends to eat in Singapore and he says Newton Circle. I recommended soup dumplings at Old Town in Shanghai.

Transfer in Shanghai

13:30 I’m lost in Shanghai’s Pu Dong airport. I didn’t quite understand what the transfer desk lady said, only that I had to exit customs and check in again. I assumed this go-around meant my transfer flight is at T2. During my walk I pass by KFC, Pizza Hut, and Lawsons which I believe is a Japanese 7-11. I walk back to T1 after I realize that I’m wrong since my airline isn’t at T2. I go 2 levels up to the departures level to get my boarding pass. After passing immigrations I realize that I should have gotten something to eat from KFC/Pizza Hut because they were much cheaper than the food at the gates. Prices are 2 to 3 times more than normal, so I settle on just having a coke from a vending machine. It was the only thing priced fairly.

14:15 Most of the above was written while I was waiting for this next flight. I always feel like writing when I’m traveling. Don't you?

16:15 I’m on the flight and I realize I left my coke at the terminal. Oops. I’m such a soda litter bug today.

18:30 The movie on flight is about this couple in Germany (I think). The couple made a move back to the husband’s hometown. She finds out that the husband wasn’t forthcoming on his reasons on moving back. He’s a soccer fanatic and leader of his hometown’s team. She hates soccer. She realizes threats of divorce is not enough to keep him away from his love of soccer, so she goes for his pride/ego: if the wives/girlfriends/partner of the soccer team beat them in a match of soccer, then they give up soccer forever. There is a lot of mind games going on in this film which keeps it interesting. Too bad I don’t know the name of the film. Have you watched it? What’s the film’s name?

Arriving Singapore
21:05 I arrive Singapore! Now I just got to find my mom. My flight was almost an hour late and I’ve only got 10 min before my mom’s flight lands. I’ve no clue which gate she arrives, but luckily Singapore airport has computers all over the place providing free internet! I find out that she will be arriving T1, but I’m in T3. It’s at least an 8 min walk to the shuttle, 3 min wait, 3 min transfer and… essentially I’ll be late to my mom’s gate. I hurriedly pass by all the pretty duty free shops and lovely cafes. The airport is HUGE, at least it seems so because I feel lost often. I ask the info desk about my mom’s fight and they tell me it’s at the gate. I reach my mom’s gate only to see that it’s quiet.

21:40 I search for her in the immigration lines but don’t find her. Has she made it to the luggage belts? So I stand in line, mentally hurrying the immigration officials so that I can find my poor lost mother.

21:55 After 15 minutes in line with only 2 people in front of me, I look back to find my mom in the back of the line. I leave my spot and join her. I guess it has been a long while since we’ve seen each other, because it took her a few seconds to realize it was her own daughter talking to her. She thought some stranger was starting a conversation with her.

22:30 We pass immigrations and pick up a few tourist brochures. We had to sift through different languages and found some in English or Chinese.

22:45 We’ve got my mom’s luggage and we’ve found the shuttle bus counter. We opted for a shuttle bus for $9 SGD each, which will drop us off at the door of the hostel.

23:05 We’re on the shuttle and pass by the East Coast Lagoon food village. It’s late at night but it still seems to be bustling with people. I wonder how we’ll be able to get there some other day from downtown.

23:35 We arrive Little India and our hostel. Stepping off the shuttle and into the street we’re disorientated for a few seconds. The sidewalk are narrow and there are shadows on the street. There’s a group of people drinking at an outdoor table of the pub next door, kind of loud. There’s this petite sized women wearing a short dress sitting on the curb shaking like she’s going through some kind of withdrawal, I think she’s pretty gone and I’m thinking to myself “Where am I?” I try to enter the hostel and when the doors won’t budge realize that I need to call to be let in. There’s even a pin pad. This is totally not what I had expected. But inside, the hostel is inviting and there are people on their laptops at the tables. The front desk guy is welcoming and checks us in. There is a shoe shelf next to the stairs to the rooms, and a sign asking people not to wear shoes in the rooms. I hadn’t expected that either even though I’m used to not wearing shoes in the house. The front desk guy tells us that our rooms are in their other building a block away where there are private rooms, and he leads us out onto the street and walks us there. We pass by more people sitting on the curb and a few drunk people. Shoes are to be taken off at the other building as well. Our room has bunk beds and a bathroom, but feels dreary and sparse. My mom and I both realize we’ve forgotten some toiletries and didn’t bring towels, but even knowing 7-11 is only a block away we decide not to venture out again. We get ready for bed and hope that the other hostel we’re staying with for the remainder of our stay will be much better.

Helen's big 30

2009-03-27T01:22:00.002+08:00

I realize now that how I have been brought up has only prepared me for the first 30 years of my life. I've been brought up to be independent, patient, kind, adaptable to new environments but unyielding to peer pressure, have a thirst for knowledge and willingness to share or even teach, constantly seeking self-improvement, to learn Chinese values but not be bound by them, and have the courage to pick up and move somewhere new even if it's on the other side of the world. These qualities have helped me get through 18 years of school, 6 years of work, and almost 4 years of marriage. I could have done them better, but the hardships and failures have a lesson of their own and I would not trade them away. I thank many people for being a part of my life and helping me become the person I am today.

Sadly, what I have now realized is all that I have learned will not nearly be enough to get me through the next 30+ years. Who will I become and how shall I do it? Wife, hopefully mother, and with or without a career? I don't even know where to start, what to change, and how to prepare. Shall I find a few role models and emulate? Who do you look up to and how can I relate? Or shall I pave a new road and find my own way? I see only bits and pieces of my future, of the person I could be, and as long as she is loved by you I think that future is all right with me.

Holding hands

2009-03-09T15:35:00.002+08:00

Have we been married so long that we don't automatically hold hands as we walk down the street? When was the last time we strolled instead of rushing from point A to B?

Once upon a long time ago, that first hand holding was such a big deal. Being seen walking in public holding hands made us shy but had such a thrill. We'd look anywhere but at each other and try to look all cool. It was a declaration. It was a commitment. We'd get promise rings, and the touch of the cool metal when we held hands reassured us.

Then soon we were joined at the hip and our hands only disengaged long enough to do what we needed to before being joined again. Even at meals! Our hands would be joined under the table if we sat next to each other, or overlapped on the table if we sat across from each other. They'd be joined when watching a movie on the sofa, joined when we danced, and joined when we fell asleep in bed. There was this secret language going on when our hands were joined. A scratch, a squeeze, a pick of the finger nail, a repetitive smoothing motion, a tickle, even the warmth or sweat of the palm. The sparkle of the diamond made our skin glow. The metal of our wedding rings were never cold as they never came off and our hands kept them warm.

At some point holding hands became a means of dragging the other to walk faster to point B. Then we didn't even hold hands anymore and we'd argue about how we couldn't have a conversation anymore because you walked ahead and I would walk behind you. Communication broke down and our hands didn't talk anymore. We're all good now, but we haven't held hands much since.

But just the other day, we left the house together. The day was bright and your stride was easy. My eyes drew to your bare hand resting against your thigh. I reached for your hand with a smirk and glanced at your face. You smiled too and said "What do you think you're doing?" in an easy voice, an echo of what you'd used to say when I reached for your hand back in the day, acting as if the paparazzi ware going to jump out of the bushes and take pictures of us, and the hearts of millions of girls around the world would break. My smirk was the anticipatory answer to that question: "HA! Yeah right. Puh-leeze." conveyed in less than a second. Our hands stayed joined for our small walk to the end of the block.

Next I'm bringing back the swinging while we're walking, which makes you cringe inside and shatters your cool image to the millions of your imagined female fans. Maybe I'll even drag you down the street skipping with a BIG smile on my face just to show them that you're mine.

You should hold my hand more else I think of other things to do. I get creative when I'm over excited. =p

What is Helen up to?

2009-03-06T18:54:00.003+08:00

So what do I do with my time? Besides doing some translation work, doing house chores, procrastinating on errands, reading news/blogs, watching videos from US or Asia on the internet... I am also working on a few things during the weekday:

- I meet with Carolina twice a week to exchange some Chinese for Spanish. 2 months later I'm only on Chapter 3 in Spanish and she's at least on Chapter 6 in Chinese. We meet at 10:30AM and afterward we go have lunch somewhere. I've invited Michelle to join us and we're gonna go try out reasonably priced set menu brunches/luncheons/afternoon tea places in Beijing. It's nice to have some girls time.

- I like to host a cooking session at our house once or twice a month. Another friend, Helen, comes over (and anyone else that is free during the daytime) and we try out new recipes or show-off a favorite dish or two. We're learning new things about cooking from each other (or from failures) and have a grand feast for dinner.

- I've been doing some Yoga at home once or twice a week. It gets easier after a while and I can see why people have said that yoga is addictive. Your body craves that stretching feeling after a day or two.

Helen on habits

2009-01-24T15:28:00.004+08:00

I resent routines, I resent these so called habits.

I resent my bad habits, so much that I'm in denial about them and try to justify them. Bad habits like procrastination: I justify to myself that what I gotta do has too many unknown factors, that I've got too many things on my plate now, that I'll do it when it's the right time or that I still have plenty of time to do it... etc. Is it still procrastinating when I'm trying to talk myself out of procrastinating? I guess the answer is the same as is it still quitting if you're still smoking? hmm...

I also resent having to develop good habits. Everyone's got a few they tell you is good for you. Making your bed. Taking your vitamins. Read the bible. Exercise 3 times a week. Dentist twice a year. But I'm already spending all my time trying to rid myself of bad habits, where am I gonna find time to develop good habits? There's only 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year, and I'll probably only have 90 years if I'm lucky.

My brother chatted with me in the car one day, and from our talk I figured out why I have these resentments. It's a childhood thing. Being told what to do, how to use my time, what to aspire to, all in all how to live my life but not really having a say in it. That's all natural, everyone's been through that. But here is why children need good role models: because if you're not a good role model then saying these things make you a hypocrite. What I mean is that to suggest a good habit but not taking the same medicine, makes one a hypocrite and the suggestion loses its weight. It actually may do harm.

So I guess I want control over my life. I guess I want life to be fair. Even if all logic points to it being good for me, I still want to make the call. And for something to become a habit, it means everyday I have to decide to do it. If it hasn't become a habit, then that means some days I said no. And I relish my right to say no, even if it bites me in the butt later.

But I also find that I have so much I want to share with people that I care for. My words won't carry weight unless I'm a good role model. How do I take care of them if I can't take care of myself? How will I care for them when it takes me 2 hours to cook dinner, a week to complete an errand, or a month just to write a blog post? Am I still in control? Am I still a good role model if I have good intent but lack in execution? And wasn't that what I resented in others in the first place?

Doh!

“Why do we fall?”

2009-01-14T12:13:00.001+08:00

I am in a fight, a big fight. Now this isn’t like any other fight that I’ve been in before. The fight has been going on for a while and I’ve taken some really good shots. My face is numb, my body sore, my knuckles bloody. It seems that my opponent has an endless arsenal of weapons to attack me with. They attack flurries and they come out from nowhere. I catch a straight shot in the gut. Normally, my washboard abs can absorb it, but my knees buckle and I go down. This is different. I normally bounce right back up, but somehow this time is different.

I kneeled there, grasping my gut, as if that would make the pain go away quicker. In that moment, I wondered. I wondered when someone gets knocked down, why they get back up? Do they really think they stand a chance? Do they think they can win the fight? Do they just want to go the distance? Or are they so use to getting up after being knocked down, that it is just a reflex for them? My mind wanders. I get back up.

I look around and I’m on a dark street. All I see is the streetlight above me that keeps a small portion of the street lit. It’s just enough to see a few yards in front of me. The ground is damp and the air is cool. I hear in the distance people on the street and cars going by. It’s very faint; it’s very dark.

My assailants continue their onslaught. They come swinging with their fists and legs. They are trying to knock me out. I do my best to block the flurry of punches and kicks at me, but my face wants to say hello and my head hits the pavement.

Ah… it feels so good, the cold pavement against my bloody face. This should keep the swelling down. Yes, it feels that good. I could stay here a while. It hurts, but the cold damp pavement just feels that good. If I get up, who knows what else these unknown assailants will throw at me? At least down here they leave you alone, right? I contemplate that for what feels like an eternity.

Yes, this was indeed very different; I use to bounce right up! What’s going on here? How long am I down for? Do I get back up? But it feels good just being here. Don’t I usually just get up? Why must I get up? Heart. I repeat to myself, Heart. People get up because they have something to fight for, someone to fight for. Something they believe in. Do I have heart? Do I believe? I muster just enough strength to get up. This time was more difficult than the last. I don’t think I can get up again. I have to find a way to end this.

I started to focus my energy and look for someway to fight back. There must be something to give me the edge; I just need to find it and find it quick! The streetlight started to glow brighter. I saw more of my surroundings. Just a couple of street thugs I thought. I will endure; I must go on.

My sweat drips down my forehead and down my face. I try to wipe it away but it’s no use. The sweat gets into my eyes and it starts to stings. I start to doubt myself. I feel slow, my fists are like lead weights and my legs are like jello. This fight has gone on for a long time and I’m tired. The fists keep coming and I’m blocking and parrying their attacks. It seems to get repetitive. They throw a punch, I block. They throw a kick, I move out of the way. Occasionally, they land a punch or more. This last time, I catch a body combo that ends with an upper cut to the face. I go down like a sack of potatoes.

I’d like to say that I put up a good fight, but my face says otherwise. Battered, bruised and bloodied. Heart, I repeat to myself, Heart. I gathered my strength and start to get myself up. I plant my palms firmly on the ground and push my self up. As I get to my knees, I hear this sound; it’s an unmistakable sound, the sound of a lead pipe being scraped across the ground. I look to my side and sure enough there it was. Before I was able to get on my feet again, they take a swing and hit me on my side. I go down again. I think I hear a crack. I probably should say, I think I hear a few cracks. Pretty low blow I thought. At least they could’ve waited till I got up and was ready to fight. I guess they weren’t kidding when they said, “When it rains, it pours.”

Heart. I say to myself again, Heart. However, I’m not moving. What is so different this time? My arms are covering my side. I felt my ribs. It definitely feels like a few are broken. I don’t think I can go on. I lay there in agony. I really don’t think I can go on and I contemplate just laying there. Heart I say again, Heart. But like before, nothing is happening. I lay there still; tears start streaming down my face. Is this it? Is this all I have? Is this what I’ve amounted to? They say a true test of someone’s character is when they are down. Is this what will be said about me? Is this my character?

I move my arms and plant my palms firmly on the ground and push myself up. Do you really want to get up? Who said that? Was that them or was that me? It’s significantly louder now too. Is that a crowd? I ponder that for a moment.

Heart, I say, Heart. How badly do I want it? How much is it worth to me? I think back to just before the fight. It was all right there. It was all right in front of us. Us? That’s right! It’s what we’ve been fighting for, striving for all this time! This fight was just another obstacle. One of many that we will face on our journey. When people fall, I don’t know why they get up. I can’t speak for them. I can only speak for myself.

I get to my knees and I start getting kicked in the gut. However, it does not hurt. I look to my left and then to my right. I can see all around me, the streetlight is bright enough for me to see the entire block. I look around and see my assailants. I look beyond them and see a crowd; it’s blurry so I look more closely. I see my family. I see my friends.

I push myself up. The kicks are coming quicker and faster. A hand is extended to me. This really is no different than before. It just took me longer to find my way. I reach out to grab the hand; it has a familiar touch. My eyes follow the hand up the arm to their face. I see Helen, my wife and my best friend. I have a surge of energy, I feel refreshed and I know.

I get up.

2008 was a challenging year for me, both personally and professionally. I went through a lot of physical and mental anguish that I thought I would break. The path in front of me is more demanding, more challenging and, more difficult. But I know.

I get up. We get up. We move forward.

“Why do we fall?”

“So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

Helen reflecting on 2008

2008-12-10T21:41:00.005+08:00

What have I accomplished this past year? I don't have a straight answer for that.

We traveled a lot this year: Buenos Aires, New York, Miami, Beijing of course, Shanghai, Xiamen and Taipei. Opportunities we would not have if we did not decide to give this venture a try. We played host to a good amount of coworkers, friends and family who visited Beijing. This forced us to get to know Beijing a lot faster and created great memories in this city we now live in. We made a lot of new friends through work and frisbee. It's amazing how many nice people we meet and with great anticipation I wonder how our friendship will be. We kept in touch with old friends via Facebook and shared their news of engagement, marriage, birth and all the little things. It's nice to still be a part of their lives while being on the other side of the world. And because we still felt connected with them, we were able to share the most intimate parts of our lives with them. For all of the above, I am grateful.

Before this year, I don't think there was a time where I didn't know where my life was headed. I've always strived to achieve what I wanted in life. It used to be easy for me to decide what I should do. This year, not so much. I guess this has been my gap year even though I never seen it as such until it ended. Looking back now I concede that I could have used my time better. But even so, I'm not going to do things people think I should do... such as teach English in China or find a job working for a Chinese company or agency. Everyone thinks that I'd be great at it and it would be a great use of my time, but my heart's not in it so I'd rather do nothing. I'm stubborn like that. I want to use my time to do things that I want to do, but I guess I've spent the last year trying to figure that out and I'm no closer to the answer as I was beginning of this year. Sad.

I'm not sure if this has always been the case, but this year I've been wondering if there's something wrong with my brain. I think differently from a lot of people around me. It's like I'm doing things backwards or that I'm putting importance on something they feel is irrelevant. Is it because I'm not around engineers anymore? Why do I feel like such a freak? Why is my point of view so different from them? I think I've spent most of my time this year trying to understand how people do things and how they think. But even though I've come to understand them more and more, I find I cannot become like them. I find the people around me fascinating, but I can't be one of them. A clear example is drinking and smoking: I understand why they like it, I don't mind them doing it, I even get the rituals they have with it, I can quote their excuses for doing it... but that doesn't make me smoke or drink. People don't understand why I have no interest in smoking or drinking, it's not like I have a I'm holier than thou attitude and condemn it, and it's possible that I'd have a better time if I had a drink or smoke with them, yet I choose not to and haven't wavered in my choice. I guess I'm stubborn like that. My brain came to different conclusions and chose to do things differently.

Ask me why? I don't have a straight answer for that.

Getting into the holidays

2008-11-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

In a couple of days, 2 months would have passed. Feels like a different life. I'm guessing that moving into a new apartment made it easier to transition. Life has been plain but fulfilling in a way. I've been having cooking sessions with a couple of the girls. Mike's coworker moved to Beijing and hanging out with his family has been cool. Now I just gotta get into some excersizing and language learning: Spanish, French, Japanese and Korean.

I'm planning a holiday trip back to NY, which in the life 2 months ago we had scrapped due to my condition. Now I'm going to get to see P&L and the new family member earlier than I originally would have. Feels a little like I'm living in a different timeline, but I guess it's got its own perks. In this timeline, I'll see family for Christmas/New Years. I'll go to Rockefeller Center and see the tree and skating crowd. Hopefully we'll find a party or two where it's warm and festive to celebrate the new year with friends. I'll grab a shake shack burger or two at the park. Eat some sushi, steak, and whatever else I can't find in Beijing.

I got mixed feelings about all this. I understand it's not like I traded to be able to do all this, but there's a tad bit of sadness and guilt. There's a little guilt whenever I have coffee, seafood, and essentially anything I couldn't do before but I enjoy. I guess it'll take some time for it to go away. In the mean time, I guess I'll do my best and enjoy the holidays.

I wonder if Santa will think that I'm a good girl this year. But what will he do if what I want doesn't go under a tree?

Postpartum checkup

2008-10-22T22:32:00.003+08:00

Saw the doc in Beijing today for my postpartum checkup. The checkup should have been 6 weeks after I gave birth (it's only been 4 weeks), but I figured with only finishing half of my pregnancy my recovery period should be only little more than half that time. =p

My weight is the same as it was before I was pregnant. My blood pressure is normal. Uterus, overies and muscle tone seem ok. Emotionally stable and I've got a good support group, so no therapist needed. So I guess I passed with flying colors. The only things that remain are the reports from Taiwanese hospital and getting reimbursed by the health insurance company.

Recently I wrote to a friend of the 4 lessons we learned in the past 11 years of Mike and I knowing each other (and I'm sure there is much more for us to learn):
- Romance is appreciating the thoughtfulness of the other person.
- Love is unconditional trust and a good amount of forgiveness.
- A sucessful relationship is two people with common goals who can act respectfully towards one another at every moment.
- Sucessful communication is speaking honestly while putting down but not giving up your pride.

If Daniel made any impact in this world he at least made Mike and I more thoughtful of each other. I'd like that impact to continue and last. Our recent thoughtful acts toward each other include:
- Mike setting up the new apartment and making it feel warm with plants and candles. I was resting in Taiwan at the time and he did it all by himself. Coming home to this felt really nice.
- I buy organic when I can at the supermarket. Can't be too careful these days. Organic costs twice as much, but I guess there's no price on good health.
- Mike bought a pair of Ikea poang chairs (so we don't fight over the only one.) And he got the foot rests! We both have a vision of me nursing in one in the future.
- I attempt to make cakes for Mike. (note the word "attempt")
- Mike letting me stay home from work when I want. Such a nice boss.
- I make Mike "love lunch boxes" 爱心便当.
- Mike lets me sleep in.
- Even so, I make an effort to get up and make Mike breakfast and send him off to work with a kiss at the door.
- Mike installs a light over the kitchen sink to make it comfortable when I wash dishes.
- I make Taiwanese dishes that Mike likes.

Now if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Recovery

2008-09-28T16:31:00.004+08:00

To all who have been concerned with how I've been, I have been doing pretty well in recovery (physically and emotionally). Thank you for your kind and caring thoughts and words. I've been a good girl: eating and resting as I should.

It's been a week since the birth and about 2 weeks since the fatal checkup. As hellish as the labor process had been, if it weren't for Mike keeping a blog for that week I probably would only remember it as one long day. The recovery part however, feels like one long month.

One of the toughest parts of this past week in recovery would be that last night in the hospital. We were resting in a hospital room that housed 3 patients. The 2 other patients in our room were mothers who just gave birth and were learning to nurse. A baby's cry had never sounded so sweet and heartbreaking to me before. I never noticed before that each baby had a distinctive cry, and I found that I couldn't help myself from listening to the crying babies all around our ward. Now I know why a mother can tell her baby's cry from a symphony of sounds. And of course, I grieve that I shall never know the sweet sound of Daniel. Of all the things I knew I would miss out on, this surprising element hit me hard. I think Mike felt the same and I'm glad we had each other that night.

Another tough part of recovery is showering. While pregnant I would spend time in front of the mirror checking out my belly's progress, a private time to be naked physically and emotionally with Daniel. With the acoustics in the shower I would sing for him, pray for him to grow healthy, and ask in a whisper if Daniel decided to be a boy or girl. Now the shower mirror reminds me of the emptiness of my belly and that I'm alone in the bathroom.

All in all though, I feel fortunate and blessed. The loss of Daniel is devastating, but our life is not a tradgedy. Mike and I received so many e-mails with kind words and support from all around the world. Mike's blog touched many hearts and our Daniel will be remembered and live on, which comforts me enormously. We love him with all we have, and knowing that others love him too shows how fortunate Daniel is. I like to think that Daniel chose us, maybe knowing that he wouldn't make it, but knowing that he would be loved and remembered. If Daniel needed a little good krama/prayer to help him with his next life, then I think he knew our family and friends could help. I hope that we've done what we can for him, and he carries all this love with him for that next leap.

I can only hope with all that Mike and I have been through, it will help us appreciate life more and help make the family we plan to have stronger.

A Cause For Celebration

2008-09-17T18:01:00.027+08:00

Bliss:
It started out as any other week but this week was going to be special. We were going to find out the sex of our baby, we've reached the 20th week of pregnancy (the 1/2 way mark), moon festival BBQ/party and we were going to attend a close friends wedding! All of which spanned 4 major cities in 3 different countries. We were very stoked!

Routine Check-up:
Monday 09.15.2008
So it began Monday morning and it was beautiful morning. Clear blue skies and fresh air, all of which are quite rare in Beijing. After breakfast and a quick blog post, we headed to Beijing United Family Hospital, for our check-up at 10:00. Once we got to the hospital, we did our ultra sound first so we can say "hi" to the little baby and see if we should call it a he or a she. When we saw pictures of the ultra sound, we got the feeling that something wasn’t right. This was later confirmed with the technician's expressions and was re-enforced when our doctor (Let’s call her Dr S.) had to come down to look for herself. We were wondering what happened between now and the last check up no more that 4 weeks ago.

After the ultra-sound we headed upstairs to talk with Dr. S. At which point she laid it on the table for us: 1) Lack of Amniotic Fluid and 2) Unknown cyst in baby's abdomen. She suggested that we seek a 2nd opinion at a facility, outside the mainland, that specializes in maternal fetal medicine (MFM). She referred us to a doctor in HK. Dr S. explained, in China when there is an abnormality detected the normal recourse is termination. It makes sense, because if you are only allowed to have one kid.

Logistics 101:
We started to see what we could do to make it work. It was a toss up between Vancouver and Hong Kong (HK). We were thinking Vancouver because we had already purchased tickets to Seattle, which put us through there or HK because Dr. S. recommended a specialist there.

We reached out to the doctor in HK first, but since it was a holiday in China, he could not be found. We tried to book the appointment through the hospital he works for in HK, but they could not give us an appointment over the phone. We would have to wait for the next morning before the doctor could possibly respond.

Vancouver seemed to have many MFM doctors and mostly congregated in one hospital close to the airport, but their fetal medicine clinic wouldn’t be open to take appointments until midnight in Beijing.

We started to think about Taiwan as well. It's about the same as distance to HK, our family was there and we knew a few people at NTUH (National Taiwan University Hospital). We started to look for some numbers of our relatives but we didn't have any on us. We sent out a few emails to various people for their contacts.

With locations kind of laid out, we needed to see which was plausible. So we tried to get a few things in order: Insurance, More Information, and Travel.

We reached out to our insurance company, LAMP Insurance, to see if they would cover us in Vancouver, HK and Taiwan. It's funny when China says Taiwan/HK is part of China, but your insurance company has them listed separately. Anyhow, the insurance company was great and worked closely with us to make things work. They said that they would cover us in whichever city we decide to go to. This really put me at ease to just focus on doing what's best for Helen and the baby.

Oligohydramnios-what:
We played more Doc Google, which was a mixed bag. We couldn't gauge the level of danger our baby was in or the seriousness of it. However, after doing some research, it became apparent that we were going to have a pretty serious fight on our hands. That and what Dr. S. said was starting to hit home.

We learned more about Low Amniotic Fluid (a.k.a. Oligohydramnios) during pregnancy. When we first looked at it, it seemed like not that big of a deal because there are a few things that you can do and most of the time the baby turns out healthy. But common problems if the condition isn't address quickly are kidney issues, clubbed feet, some deformities, etc. That made us think of a whole line of questions, we wish no one would ever have to think about. As with any parent, you do everything you can to let your child have every advantage in the world so that they can succeed. However, at what point would you not want to put your child through the suffering of an abnormal life?

Even with these thoughts, we were still pretty optimistic. However, after looking at these cases, we found they mostly applied to babies in the third trimester, 30+ weeks, which was not us. We tried to narrow down the search to cases that fit our profile. In our case, the numbers tell a very different story. 0.8% of babies have Oligohydramnios, but in the 2nd trimester < 10% make it to child birth and of these < 1% are healthy normal babies.

4th and Very Long:
That information was very hard to swallow and all things were going through our head again. Are we lucky enough to be among the 1% that becomes healthy? Is this second opinion purely academic? Or did Dr. S. already know these stats? Is this already a lost cause? Should we just give up? At what point would we? Could we live with ourselves knowing that? If we make it to birth and are not in the healthy 1%, what kind of life will our baby live? Could we see it through such torture/suffering? We had a brief breakdown when faced with the possibilities and afterwards discussed the issues to see where each other stood. We agreed that talking to a specialist before we made any decision would be best. A specialist could best let us know what we’re facing and what our options were.

Re-supply:
It was about 19:00 and it had been a while since we last ate. We took a break to grab dinner. We needed some energy and we needed WiFi. We took a quick ride down to Wudaokou and had dinner at a local café. While eating we were looking at the different options that we had to see a specialist. We were still considering Vancouver or Taiwan and were weighing out the options for either one. We tried to call Vancouver earlier, but it seemed that the MFM department was closed for the evening. So that really just left Taiwan as the most viable option. By this time we got some numbers back from various people and started reaching out to them. We got word that we would get help making an appointment with a specialist at NTUH. With this information we could move ahead with plans, so we needed to head back to the office for some more skyping sessions.

Going Home:
We started looking for different ways to get to Taiwan. It was much easier after we got a hold of my mom and got her help with the travel arrangements. The question now was do we go together or does Helen go first and I join later. After a quick discussion, we decided to go together and we gave the green light on those travel arrangements. We got home pretty late after making all the arrangements. We packed our bags and were off to the airport about 2 hours later.

Tuesday 09.16.2008
The trip itself was uneventful; we made it to Taiwan after about a hour+ delay in HK. We tried to get some sleep on the plane when we could, but it was difficult because of all the things that run through your head. You're thinking about the situation, best-case scenarios, worst-case scenarios, what you would do in each situation. Trying to make the most logical and best decision based on the situation and the information you have. Then you pass some kids and a toy store at the airport, and your mind wonders to what should've been. That clear vision that you had not more than a day ago, gone, and you have a huge void in your chest. An emptiness that can’t be filled and all you can do then is to rely on each other to get through it.

Presidential Treatment:
When we arrived in Taiwan, around 16:00, we headed straight for the NTUH. We got a little lost on the way to the hospital, but we eventually found the right complex and ward. The queue at this hospital works similar to a deli queue. Our aunt had already gotten a ticket for us at noon and it read "1". When we entered the waiting area, they were already at 52 and there was about 10 people waiting in line. Normally if you are late, they will make you wait a few numbers before taking you. Luckily our uncle left instruction for us so we said a few key words to the attendant and magically were next on the list to see Dr. H. Our family told us that we were in good hands; Taiwan's former president and his family members used this guy.

Do Not Pass Go:
It was 17:00 local time. We met with Dr. H. for about 15 minutes and then went to the ultrasound room. In the examination room, they examined the baby/womb carefully. From this exam we got more information. They pointed out: 1) Heart with heart beat 2) No Amniotic fluid, 3) The unknown cyst in the baby's abdomen was actually moving, so the mass could possibly be from a ruptured intestine probably due to some blockage in the digestive track, 4) Missing/Un-identifiable organs 5) Deformed Skull (From lack of fluid). After the exam we met back up with the doctor for some more details.

The prognosis wasn't very favorable. He said that the rupture happened recently, as the liquid had not solidified yet. The baby doesn't have room to grow properly because of the lack of amniotic fluids and therefore its arms and legs would be severely deformed. There are missing organs. If we continued with the pregnancy, it was unlikely things would get better. The only thing that was really keeping the baby alive was the umbilical cord. If we were to continue the baby would have a very, very low chance of survival outside of the womb, and would under go many hardships. Our hearts sank with each word and the truth of the situation became clear. He offered us tissues as he spoke and talked about what we should do next.

He suggested that we terminate the pregnancy within a week. He didn't want the rupture or the passing of the baby to produce any toxins that were harmful to Helen. He suggested a more natural method for termination, which would give us the best chance on having more children. He gave us a doctor's note and gave us sometime to think. He said we could come back to NTUH when we've made up our minds but recommended that we make a decision soon.

We took a moment outside to cry.

A Goodnight Sleep:
We went to my Da Gu's house for another long night. Again many things went through our head, like should we get a third consult? Do we keep getting consults until one person says that everything is okay, there is still hope? At which point would we decide that it was enough? Is this acceptable?

The realization of the life lost, our child. The fact that we’re saying, “Okay, kill our baby”, the baby that we so much wanted. All our hopes and aspirations, everything that was good in us, the love and care that we provided and wanted to give. To us, our baby was special.

We mourned not being able to hear our baby say "Dad" and "Mom". Not witnessing that first step. Not being there for its first day of school. Our dreams for our baby, our hopes and wishes, Gone. We still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl and why are we still calling the baby IT!

A Long Road Starts With One Step:
Wednesday 09.17.2008
My mom took the first fight out to Taiwan on Monday evening from New York and got into Taiwan at 06:00. She came straight to Da Gu's house and arrived around 08:00. We quickly filled her in on the latest news and then headed to the Hospital to get an appointment for termination. After we got booked, we started the procedure. Dr. H. recommended a procedure that was friendlier to Helen and would cause the least amount of trauma possible. We wanted to ensure that there was a possibility to have kids in the future. The process was to widen Helen's cervix using medication. After the cervix has widened to the correct size, they would induce labor. They first ran some more tests and did a few more ultrasounds to verify the conditions have not changed. Helen was admitted into the hospital and we started the first part of the procedure about 11:30.

We were then wheeled into the maternity ward while we waited for the medication to do its job. The waiting was long. Things started to slow, your mind wonders. You try to get some rest, but there's still so much that you need to do. We made the best of the situation and took a break, had some rest and then the miracle of 802.11, we were online. We took the opportunity to get back in sync and fill in some people as to what the latest news was. The nurses made a comment that it was the first time they saw the IV rig being used in such an artistic way.

As the day rolled on we had many visitors. Family and friends that we haven't seen in a long time that help warmed the room and made us feel good. It was the first time in a while that we could just talk and talk about other things than what we were here for. We shared stories of our youth; our lives and we laughed and wept.

Contemplating the moment:
After the visitors left, we tried to get some rest, but it was another long night. We were contemplating how it was going to go down and what we were going to do with our baby. How do you end someone's life, more so your own flesh and blood? Is it in pain? Can we hold the baby when it comes out? Should I cut the cord? We don't want it to die alone; we still so much want to be with it. We're not sure if we can bear to let go.

Waiting:
Thursday 09.18.2008
The morning started early. The nurses came in through out the night to add more medication and check up on Helen's condition. Helen was in some discomfort and pain. It seemed the medication was working it's course and today would be the day. Around 08:00, we were carted from the ward back into the maternity/delivery area. The doctor took a look and seemed that we needed some more medication and time before we could proceed. So they gave Helen some more medication and we wait. I figure it's a good time to try to catch up on some work and get my mind off of things.

At about 15:00 we are moved into a private room. 15:15 they start the feed that will make Helen go into labor. It's just a matter of time now. It's 17:30, and there's not much change. They up the dosage from 8.0 to 12.0, and we wait. At 18:50, 12.0 to 16.0, 21:05 upped from 16.0 to 20.0 and, 22:15 upped to 25.0.

Audible:
Friday 09.19.2008
The dosage is up to 30.0 now and still nothing. 10:10 upped to 40.0, maximum recommended dosage. The nurses came in to check up on Helen every so often, with no change. At 15:30, Dr. H comes in to check up on us. It's apparent that after 24 hours the medication isn't working like they had hoped and we are now considering waiting another day to see if conditions change or moving forward with another option.

16:50 we tell the doctor's that we're ready to begin option B. They come in shortly after and take Helen to the operating room. They tell me I can't come and to wait in our room. So I sit and I wait. 17:01.... 17:06.... I thought time moved slow before, now it's barely moving forward. I don't know what's going on. 17:10, I'm wondering how Helen is holding up. I need to know.

They said option B would be to insert a balloon into her cervix and fill it up with liquid. Then create a force to pull the balloon out. This will help the cervix expand to the correct size over the next several hours to allow the baby to be born. They said the procedure should take about 15 minutes; it's 17:20. It seems like an hour has passed. 17:27 the nurse comes in and calls me out to help her and scuttles away quickly. I'm wondering what has happened. When I get my sandals on and go outside she's gone. It takes a few minutes to locate her and she leads me to Helen. Thankfully, she just needs my help to cart Helen back into our room.

In Sickness and in Health:
If you wonder why those words are part of your wedding vows, I've got a few good examples. Since Helen's been back, she's been in noticeable discomfort. Seems that she can't hold down any food. After a bite of dinner, everything she ate today came right back out. The contraption they put in Helen seems unreal. It's like a medieval torture device, but they say that it works and is the second best way to open the cervix. So it looks like when medication fails, it's good to know that gravity still works.

Helen's body language is quite different now. She's pale, quiet and in noticeable pain. We are waiting for this contraption to do its thing. Helen is resting and I'm doing my best, watching over her.

I should mention when a contraction occurs Helen is in noticeable pain and when it’s a strong contraction, she’s grimacing.

21:22 - The feeling of the first contraction. She thinks.
21:34 - Another
21:35 - A real contraction?
21:39 - Another contraction...
21:48 - Contraction
21:52 - Contraction
22:04 - Contraction

Helen throws up again.

22:09 - Contraction
22:15 - Contraction
22:23 - Contraction
22:27 - Contraction
22:32 - Contraction
22:39 - Contraction
22:42 - Contraction
22:47 - Contraction
22:50 - Contraction
22:53 - Contraction
22:58 - Contraction
23:01 - Contraction
23:03 - Contraction
23:06 - Contraction
23:12 - Contraction
23:16 - Contraction
23:21 - Contraction
23:25 - Contraction
23:29 - Contraction
23:35 - Contraction
23:38 - Contraction
23:42 - Contraction
23:44 - Contraction
23:49 - Contraction
23:55 - Contraction

Nurse tells us it's going to be like this all night

Saturday 09.20.2008
00:00 - Contraction
00:02 - Contraction
00:04 - Contraction
00:09 - Contraction

Helen throws up.

00:17 - Contraction
00:21 - Contraction
00:29 - Contraction

We fade in and out

02:39 - We call the nurse quickly. Helen was surprised; the ball fell out. Mike was not; Gravity still works.

We go back to sleep and it seems that Helen feels much better.

05:10 - IV upped 45.0
06:40 - IV upped 50.0

We fade in and out

08:34 - Contraction
08:58 - Contraction
09:12 - Contraction
09:14 - Contraction
09:21 - Contraction
09:38 - Contraction
09:50 - IV upped 58.0
10:04 - Contraction
11:10 - IV upped 60.0
11:29 - Contraction
12:03 - Contraction
12:06 - Contraction
12:11 - Contraction
12:13 - Contraction
12:16 - Contraction
12:22 - Contraction
12:28 – Contraction
12:35 - Freedom for Helen till 14:00. Helen takes this opportunity to take a shower.
13:20 - Helen is back on the bed and a new IV is inserted and started from 8.0.
13:36 - Contraction
14:00 - IV upped 16.0
14:31 - IV upped 24.0
14:38 - Contraction
15:06 - IV upped 32.0
16:35 - IV upped 38.0
17:48 - IV upped 45.0
17:59 - Doctor examines Helen and order for 8 sticks of seaweed sticks
18:03 - Contraction
18:35 - Contraction
18:43 - IV upped 50.0
18:49 - Seaweed arrives.
18:53 - Helen goes into the operation room.
19:13 - Helen is back in the room and we are told 4 sticks were used
19:14 - IV upped 60.0
19:22 - IV upped 65.0
19:26 - Contraction Discomfort
20:53 - IV upped 70.0
21:13 - Contraction
21:27 - Contraction
21:33 - Contraction
21:46 - Contraction
21:52 - Contraction
21:55 - Contraction
21:58 - Contraction
22:05 - Contraction
22:11 - Contraction
22:14 - Contraction
22:18 - Contraction
22:23 - Contraction
22:38 - Contraction
22:44 - Contraction
22:49 - Contraction
22:54 - Strong Contraction
22:57 - Strong Contraction

Test Run: We push with each contraction. Nurse says that it's not time yet.

23:00 - Strong Contraction
23:03 - Strong Contraction
23:07 - Strong Contraction
23:11 - Contraction
23:12 - Contraction
23:13 - Strong Contraction
23:17 - Contraction
23:19 - Contraction
23:22 - Contraction
23:25 - Contraction
23:27 - Contraction
23:35 - Contraction
23:37 - Strong Contraction
23:40 - Strong Contraction
23:44 - Contraction
23:46 - Contraction
23:47 - Contraction
23:49 - Strong Contraction
23:52 - Contraction
23:53 - Strong Contraction
23:57 - Contraction

Sunday 09.21.2008
00:01 - Strong Contraction
00:06 - Strong Contraction
00:09 - Strong Contraction
00:13 - Contraction
00:16 - Strong Contraction
00:18 - Strong Contraction
00:19 - Strong Contraction
00:23 - Strong Contraction
00:25 - Contraction
00:27 - Strong Contraction
00:30 - Strong Contraction
00:33 - Strong Contraction
00:36 - Strong Contraction
00:38 - Strong Contraction
00:40 - Contraction
00:43 - Strong Contraction
00:51 - Contraction
00:55 - Strong Contraction
01:03 - Contraction
01:05 - Strong Contraction
01:11 - Strong Contraction
01:14 - Strong Contraction
01:20 - Strong Contraction
01:23 - Contraction
01:24 - Contraction
01:26 - Contraction
01:28 - Strong Contraction
01:30 - Contraction
01:31 - Contraction
01:33 - Strong Contraction
01:35 - Contraction
01:41 - Strong Contraction
01:44 - Strong Contraction
01:46 - Contraction
01:48 - Strong Contraction
01:50 - Contraction
01:51 - Strong Contraction
01:53 - Strong Contraction
01:58 - Strong Contraction
02:00 - Strong Contraction
02:02 - Strong Contraction
02:04 - Strong Contraction
02:06 - Strong Contraction

Mike fades out, and Mom steps in.

02:10 - Strong Contraction
02:14 - Strong Contraction
02:15 - Contraction
02:17 - Strong Contraction
02:22 - Contraction
02:25 - Contraction

Helen is exhausted and falls asleep between 2:35 and 3:20

03:26 - Strong Contraction
03:39 - Strong Contraction
03:41 - Strong Contraction
03:45 - Strong Contraction
03:48 - Contraction
03:49 - Strong Contraction
03:55 - Contraction
03:58 - Strong Contraction
04:01 - Strong Contraction
04:04 - Strong Contraction
04:08 - Strong Contraction
04:16 - Strong Contraction
04:18 - Contraction
04:21 - Strong Contraction
04:23 - Strong Contraction
04:31 - Strong Contraction
04:34 - Contraction

No more ink.

05:00 - Throws up
06:10 - Pushing. Helen is in excruciating pain. There's nothing I can do to comfort her except hold her hand and tell her to breathe. Her body is wrenching in pain, twisting and turning. Her facial expression isn’t much better.
06:44 - It’s quiet. Between Helen’s legs lie the placenta, umbilical cord, and baby, which is still in the sac. I look at it closely and it’s not alive.
06:45 - Helen is wheeled away.

We pack up and move to the waiting area.

07:40 - We are called into the operating waiting area where we see Helen again. She's lying on a bed and she seems well. A few minutes later we get another look at our baby and he's beautiful. He's laying there, all 370g of him, on his side, almost like he's suckling his thumb, he's so small and fragile, and his face is so cute. Helen and I hold each other's hands and we weep.

And just like that, it’s over.

We wheel Helen into a waiting area and the recovering process begins.

A Cause for Celebration:
Some would say that Helen and I became parents for the first time on September 21, 2008 at 06:44 and then promptly lost our child. However, I think we became parents much earlier than that.

Daniel D. Shyu
05.12.2008 - 09.21.2008 06:44
Born and passed away in Taipei, Taiwan.

Even though many of you never met Daniel; he touched our lives so much. Daniel made Helen and I better people. We changed our lifestyle, ate healthier, exercised more, and spent more time together. Dad played Guitar Hero while Mom would sing. We read stories to Daniel, Helen hummed lullabies, we played games on mommy's tummy, and we talked about our dreams and wishes.

Daniel was only with us for 20 weeks, and known to most of you for 8 weeks. In that short period of time Daniel accomplished a lot. Daniel brought our family and friends closer together. Daniel showed Helen and I another level of love, a stronger love for each other and for him.

Daniel helped start our family, and showed us the joys of parenthood. We will remember Daniel for what he has accomplished and how he has touched our lives. We will miss you Daniel, but you will forever be in our mind and hearts. We look forward to that day when we can meet Daniel again. In this lifetime or the next.

We celebrate the precious time we had together.

Euphemisms and Stereotypes

2008-09-15T09:35:00.001+08:00

There are a few points in your life where you can make a decision and know how the rest of your life will pan out (or at least the next several years). If you've been there, you know what I mean. For Example, when you've met that special someone, you just know. You can see the your life with them, how you will live, interact, start a family, grow old, etc. I pretty sure I'm at one of those points in my life again (If you don't know we're having a baby). I can totally see the next few years and I'm very excited to get started: feedings, short nights, diaper changes, teaching, learning, play-time, new TOYS!!! etc. The only question I have is will I be buying Blue Barbie Dolls or Pink Action Figures! I guess we'll find out today.

Mango - 19 weeks

2008-09-10T17:52:00.004+08:00

So I read that our kid is the size of a large mango now. It sure feels bigger than that though. Its arms and legs should be in proportion now and its bones are hardening, giving it better control over its limb movements... which means those phantom kicks I felt should be more obvious soon. Kung fu mango.

This is where Mike chimes in with a cheer to the baby: "Yeah! Kick mommy!" =/ Poor me.

17 weeks and 23 more to go...

2008-09-01T17:11:00.005+08:00

Little Mike and Helen

Oh? What's this? You ask. Are you guys...?

Yep! 17 weeks in the making. 23 more to go. The plan is that it will be born here in Beijing late January/early February, after Chinese New Year.

Looking at our baby photos, I wonder what our baby will look like. My nose or his? My eyes or his? The fuzzy ultrasound photos we took in July only show a head, brain, body, spine, heart, arms, hands, and feet. That's all I could tell from the photos. It moved a lot last we saw it, and I heard its heart beat just last week.

But I want to know so much more! So I bought a couple of baby books that discusses babies and their development. I even watched a few Discovery, BBC, and other documentary videos about babies and the human body. I made hubby watch them with me. (There were some shots that we weren't ready for... aka the Big Push... ARGH!!! My eyes!!)

What about its development? Can the baby hear us now? A baby book said that babies can hear after 3 months, and has sharp hearing after 26 weeks. It doesn't hear like we hear... more like how you hear things underwater they say. Ok, I'll buy that.

So, I'm starting to do some prenatal education.

When I can, I talk to it. When I'm talking to it I try to talk slowly, drag my vowels and repeat key words like Mommy and Daddy. I'm trying to switch to good morning instead of good night, but I snooze too much.

When I'm at home I sing to it. I like humming Ave Maria. I'm also practicing nursery rhymes. These days it's 5 little monkeys jumping on a bed and itsy bitsy spider. Gotta go look up the right lyrics for some of the others. =p They say that sounds and music babies heard frequently in the womb comfort them after they're born. I'm sticking with ones I have fun with.

At work I play it some classical music. Mostly Mozart and Beethoven.

I try to practice some Spanish or Japanese with it. But I not doing too well with that. I'm not even gonna try French, don't want it to pick up my bad pronounciation.

Its daddy and I try to read it some classic children stories. I looked them up on the internet and was shocked that the originals, ie: three little pigs, was nothing like what we remembered... apparently daddy and I got the Disney-ed version. To filter or not to filter this stuff with our kid... that's a question for another day.

We're Back!

2007-10-18T14:16:00.000+08:00

We were looking for something to to blog in China. We had thought that this was it, however, after our first post, we couldn't veiw our blog. I guess after a few weeks... We are finally able to see our blog in China. So we will start to blog regularly on this now.

You are not so special.

2007-09-07T23:11:00.000+08:00

New York City, has a population of about 8.2 M people of which 11.6% are of asian descent. Which makes the likely hood that I bump into another asian in NYC about 1 in every 8-9 people. It is less if you goto one of the burbs in the NYC Area, ie Jersey (Unless you goto the chinese market or something similar). In short, I am a minority. I have been all my life and that's what made me special, stick out. It has it's drawback, ie getting picked on when I was younger and it's advantages, ie Go affirmative Action! =).

Here in Beijing, the population is about 15 M people of which 99% are Chinese. Which makes the likely hood that I run into a foreigner that looks foreign... VERY remote. Especially in areas of the town that aren't too expat friendly. So, for the first time in my life, I'm the majority. As the majority, you are expected to behave as one. So when you don't reply back in mandarin, don't stuff yourself into a full elevator, spit on the floor, smoke, etc, they look at you perplexed. How come this person, who looks Chinese, doesn't act like one. Its really easy for an expat. They don't look chinese, therefore they are not chinese, and thus I am prepared to explain things to them (or swindle them for some extra cash!!) Sometimes, if I have a tag that read, Chinese American, it would all make sense to them. Born in China/US, grew up there and came "Home" to China.

Coming to China, I knew it was going to be an adventure, but I looked forward to it. I spent a while speaking to a friend here in Beijing. We talked about the challenges that I faced growing up in the states such as identity crisis. He has two boys growing up there now and is seeing those same challenges that I faced growing up. During the conversation, I brought up the term "banana". A term that is used to describe a Chinese person (Yellow) that acts none Chinese (White) (simply put). A person that doesn't speak chinese, nor understand it's culture and customs. I know lots of "Bananas", "Twinkies", "White washed", etc Chinese.

In the states, I would consider myself a good chinese boy. I knew most of the chinese customs, could speak mandarin better than most chinese I knew, and help organize and participate in may chinese cultural events. I have to thank my parents for making sure that my brother and I learned as much about our culture as possible.

Having put some thought into it for a day, I came to the realization that I too was a "Banana" =( In the true sense of the word. I'm Chinese, but don't understand/contain all the customs, language, behaviors as the locals here do. The worse thing for me was stated earlier, I'm a banana, so it's expected for me to behave in a certain way, where as an expat is given much more room to manuver.

A question which should have an easy answer such as "where are you from?" becomes somewhat longer and harder to explain. "I'm born in China." (Taiwan seems frowned upon, and I like my body parts) They are like what's wrong with you. Then I have to explain that I moved to the US and grew up there. I just returned to China. So what are you then? Chinese? American? Chinese American? Just when I thought I figured out my identity... it's all mixed up again and I have to figure it out all over again...

When my family came to America, it was quite a feat, The Chinese exclusion act established in 1882 and revoked in 1950's and quotas lifted in the mid/late 1960s, severly limited the number of Chinese coming to the US. So, when we arrived in the states, we exclaimed "We're HERE!!!"

I'm glad to have the oppurtunity to live and work in China. It's been something that I've thought about for quite sometime. After living in the States for over a quarter centruy, I've got a message 1.3 B people. "I'M BACK!!!"