Helen reflecting on 2008

What have I accomplished this past year? I don't have a straight answer for that.

We traveled a lot this year: Buenos Aires, New York, Miami, Beijing of course, Shanghai, Xiamen and Taipei. Opportunities we would not have if we did not decide to give this venture a try. We played host to a good amount of coworkers, friends and family who visited Beijing. This forced us to get to know Beijing a lot faster and created great memories in this city we now live in. We made a lot of new friends through work and frisbee. It's amazing how many nice people we meet and with great anticipation I wonder how our friendship will be. We kept in touch with old friends via Facebook and shared their news of engagement, marriage, birth and all the little things. It's nice to still be a part of their lives while being on the other side of the world. And because we still felt connected with them, we were able to share the most intimate parts of our lives with them. For all of the above, I am grateful.

Before this year, I don't think there was a time where I didn't know where my life was headed. I've always strived to achieve what I wanted in life. It used to be easy for me to decide what I should do. This year, not so much. I guess this has been my gap year even though I never seen it as such until it ended. Looking back now I concede that I could have used my time better. But even so, I'm not going to do things people think I should do... such as teach English in China or find a job working for a Chinese company or agency. Everyone thinks that I'd be great at it and it would be a great use of my time, but my heart's not in it so I'd rather do nothing. I'm stubborn like that. I want to use my time to do things that I want to do, but I guess I've spent the last year trying to figure that out and I'm no closer to the answer as I was beginning of this year. Sad.

I'm not sure if this has always been the case, but this year I've been wondering if there's something wrong with my brain. I think differently from a lot of people around me. It's like I'm doing things backwards or that I'm putting importance on something they feel is irrelevant. Is it because I'm not around engineers anymore? Why do I feel like such a freak? Why is my point of view so different from them? I think I've spent most of my time this year trying to understand how people do things and how they think. But even though I've come to understand them more and more, I find I cannot become like them. I find the people around me fascinating, but I can't be one of them. A clear example is drinking and smoking: I understand why they like it, I don't mind them doing it, I even get the rituals they have with it, I can quote their excuses for doing it... but that doesn't make me smoke or drink. People don't understand why I have no interest in smoking or drinking, it's not like I have a I'm holier than thou attitude and condemn it, and it's possible that I'd have a better time if I had a drink or smoke with them, yet I choose not to and haven't wavered in my choice. I guess I'm stubborn like that. My brain came to different conclusions and chose to do things differently.

Ask me why? I don't have a straight answer for that.

Getting into the holidays

In a couple of days, 2 months would have passed. Feels like a different life. I'm guessing that moving into a new apartment made it easier to transition. Life has been plain but fulfilling in a way. I've been having cooking sessions with a couple of the girls. Mike's coworker moved to Beijing and hanging out with his family has been cool. Now I just gotta get into some excersizing and language learning: Spanish, French, Japanese and Korean.

I'm planning a holiday trip back to NY, which in the life 2 months ago we had scrapped due to my condition. Now I'm going to get to see P&L and the new family member earlier than I originally would have. Feels a little like I'm living in a different timeline, but I guess it's got its own perks. In this timeline, I'll see family for Christmas/New Years. I'll go to Rockefeller Center and see the tree and skating crowd. Hopefully we'll find a party or two where it's warm and festive to celebrate the new year with friends. I'll grab a shake shack burger or two at the park. Eat some sushi, steak, and whatever else I can't find in Beijing.

I got mixed feelings about all this. I understand it's not like I traded to be able to do all this, but there's a tad bit of sadness and guilt. There's a little guilt whenever I have coffee, seafood, and essentially anything I couldn't do before but I enjoy. I guess it'll take some time for it to go away. In the mean time, I guess I'll do my best and enjoy the holidays.

I wonder if Santa will think that I'm a good girl this year. But what will he do if what I want doesn't go under a tree?

Postpartum checkup

Saw the doc in Beijing today for my postpartum checkup. The checkup should have been 6 weeks after I gave birth (it's only been 4 weeks), but I figured with only finishing half of my pregnancy my recovery period should be only little more than half that time. =p

My weight is the same as it was before I was pregnant. My blood pressure is normal. Uterus, overies and muscle tone seem ok. Emotionally stable and I've got a good support group, so no therapist needed. So I guess I passed with flying colors. The only things that remain are the reports from Taiwanese hospital and getting reimbursed by the health insurance company.

Recently I wrote to a friend of the 4 lessons we learned in the past 11 years of Mike and I knowing each other (and I'm sure there is much more for us to learn):
- Romance is appreciating the thoughtfulness of the other person.
- Love is unconditional trust and a good amount of forgiveness.
- A sucessful relationship is two people with common goals who can act respectfully towards one another at every moment.
- Sucessful communication is speaking honestly while putting down but not giving up your pride.

If Daniel made any impact in this world he at least made Mike and I more thoughtful of each other. I'd like that impact to continue and last. Our recent thoughtful acts toward each other include:
- Mike setting up the new apartment and making it feel warm with plants and candles. I was resting in Taiwan at the time and he did it all by himself. Coming home to this felt really nice.
- I buy organic when I can at the supermarket. Can't be too careful these days. Organic costs twice as much, but I guess there's no price on good health.
- Mike bought a pair of Ikea poang chairs (so we don't fight over the only one.) And he got the foot rests! We both have a vision of me nursing in one in the future.
- I attempt to make cakes for Mike. (note the word "attempt")
- Mike letting me stay home from work when I want. Such a nice boss.
- I make Mike "love lunch boxes" 爱心便当.
- Mike lets me sleep in.
- Even so, I make an effort to get up and make Mike breakfast and send him off to work with a kiss at the door.
- Mike installs a light over the kitchen sink to make it comfortable when I wash dishes.
- I make Taiwanese dishes that Mike likes.

Now if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

Recovery

To all who have been concerned with how I've been, I have been doing pretty well in recovery (physically and emotionally). Thank you for your kind and caring thoughts and words. I've been a good girl: eating and resting as I should.

It's been a week since the birth and about 2 weeks since the fatal checkup. As hellish as the labor process had been, if it weren't for Mike keeping a blog for that week I probably would only remember it as one long day. The recovery part however, feels like one long month.

One of the toughest parts of this past week in recovery would be that last night in the hospital. We were resting in a hospital room that housed 3 patients. The 2 other patients in our room were mothers who just gave birth and were learning to nurse. A baby's cry had never sounded so sweet and heartbreaking to me before. I never noticed before that each baby had a distinctive cry, and I found that I couldn't help myself from listening to the crying babies all around our ward. Now I know why a mother can tell her baby's cry from a symphony of sounds. And of course, I grieve that I shall never know the sweet sound of Daniel. Of all the things I knew I would miss out on, this surprising element hit me hard. I think Mike felt the same and I'm glad we had each other that night.

Another tough part of recovery is showering. While pregnant I would spend time in front of the mirror checking out my belly's progress, a private time to be naked physically and emotionally with Daniel. With the acoustics in the shower I would sing for him, pray for him to grow healthy, and ask in a whisper if Daniel decided to be a boy or girl. Now the shower mirror reminds me of the emptiness of my belly and that I'm alone in the bathroom.

All in all though, I feel fortunate and blessed. The loss of Daniel is devastating, but our life is not a tradgedy. Mike and I received so many e-mails with kind words and support from all around the world. Mike's blog touched many hearts and our Daniel will be remembered and live on, which comforts me enormously. We love him with all we have, and knowing that others love him too shows how fortunate Daniel is. I like to think that Daniel chose us, maybe knowing that he wouldn't make it, but knowing that he would be loved and remembered. If Daniel needed a little good krama/prayer to help him with his next life, then I think he knew our family and friends could help. I hope that we've done what we can for him, and he carries all this love with him for that next leap.

I can only hope with all that Mike and I have been through, it will help us appreciate life more and help make the family we plan to have stronger.

A Cause For Celebration

Bliss:
It started out as any other week but this week was going to be special. We were going to find out the sex of our baby, we've reached the 20th week of pregnancy (the 1/2 way mark), moon festival BBQ/party and we were going to attend a close friends wedding! All of which spanned 4 major cities in 3 different countries. We were very stoked!

Routine Check-up:
Monday 09.15.2008
So it began Monday morning and it was beautiful morning. Clear blue skies and fresh air, all of which are quite rare in Beijing. After breakfast and a quick blog post, we headed to Beijing United Family Hospital, for our check-up at 10:00. Once we got to the hospital, we did our ultra sound first so we can say "hi" to the little baby and see if we should call it a he or a she. When we saw pictures of the ultra sound, we got the feeling that something wasn’t right. This was later confirmed with the technician's expressions and was re-enforced when our doctor (Let’s call her Dr S.) had to come down to look for herself. We were wondering what happened between now and the last check up no more that 4 weeks ago.

After the ultra-sound we headed upstairs to talk with Dr. S. At which point she laid it on the table for us: 1) Lack of Amniotic Fluid and 2) Unknown cyst in baby's abdomen. She suggested that we seek a 2nd opinion at a facility, outside the mainland, that specializes in maternal fetal medicine (MFM). She referred us to a doctor in HK. Dr S. explained, in China when there is an abnormality detected the normal recourse is termination. It makes sense, because if you are only allowed to have one kid.

Logistics 101:
We started to see what we could do to make it work. It was a toss up between Vancouver and Hong Kong (HK). We were thinking Vancouver because we had already purchased tickets to Seattle, which put us through there or HK because Dr. S. recommended a specialist there.

We reached out to the doctor in HK first, but since it was a holiday in China, he could not be found. We tried to book the appointment through the hospital he works for in HK, but they could not give us an appointment over the phone. We would have to wait for the next morning before the doctor could possibly respond.

Vancouver seemed to have many MFM doctors and mostly congregated in one hospital close to the airport, but their fetal medicine clinic wouldn’t be open to take appointments until midnight in Beijing.

We started to think about Taiwan as well. It's about the same as distance to HK, our family was there and we knew a few people at NTUH (National Taiwan University Hospital). We started to look for some numbers of our relatives but we didn't have any on us. We sent out a few emails to various people for their contacts.

With locations kind of laid out, we needed to see which was plausible. So we tried to get a few things in order: Insurance, More Information, and Travel.

We reached out to our insurance company, LAMP Insurance, to see if they would cover us in Vancouver, HK and Taiwan. It's funny when China says Taiwan/HK is part of China, but your insurance company has them listed separately. Anyhow, the insurance company was great and worked closely with us to make things work. They said that they would cover us in whichever city we decide to go to. This really put me at ease to just focus on doing what's best for Helen and the baby.

Oligohydramnios-what:
We played more Doc Google, which was a mixed bag. We couldn't gauge the level of danger our baby was in or the seriousness of it. However, after doing some research, it became apparent that we were going to have a pretty serious fight on our hands. That and what Dr. S. said was starting to hit home.

We learned more about Low Amniotic Fluid (a.k.a. Oligohydramnios) during pregnancy. When we first looked at it, it seemed like not that big of a deal because there are a few things that you can do and most of the time the baby turns out healthy. But common problems if the condition isn't address quickly are kidney issues, clubbed feet, some deformities, etc. That made us think of a whole line of questions, we wish no one would ever have to think about. As with any parent, you do everything you can to let your child have every advantage in the world so that they can succeed. However, at what point would you not want to put your child through the suffering of an abnormal life?

Even with these thoughts, we were still pretty optimistic. However, after looking at these cases, we found they mostly applied to babies in the third trimester, 30+ weeks, which was not us. We tried to narrow down the search to cases that fit our profile. In our case, the numbers tell a very different story. 0.8% of babies have Oligohydramnios, but in the 2nd trimester < 10% make it to child birth and of these < 1% are healthy normal babies.

4th and Very Long:
That information was very hard to swallow and all things were going through our head again. Are we lucky enough to be among the 1% that becomes healthy? Is this second opinion purely academic? Or did Dr. S. already know these stats? Is this already a lost cause? Should we just give up? At what point would we? Could we live with ourselves knowing that? If we make it to birth and are not in the healthy 1%, what kind of life will our baby live? Could we see it through such torture/suffering? We had a brief breakdown when faced with the possibilities and afterwards discussed the issues to see where each other stood. We agreed that talking to a specialist before we made any decision would be best. A specialist could best let us know what we’re facing and what our options were.

Re-supply:
It was about 19:00 and it had been a while since we last ate. We took a break to grab dinner. We needed some energy and we needed WiFi. We took a quick ride down to Wudaokou and had dinner at a local café. While eating we were looking at the different options that we had to see a specialist. We were still considering Vancouver or Taiwan and were weighing out the options for either one. We tried to call Vancouver earlier, but it seemed that the MFM department was closed for the evening. So that really just left Taiwan as the most viable option. By this time we got some numbers back from various people and started reaching out to them. We got word that we would get help making an appointment with a specialist at NTUH. With this information we could move ahead with plans, so we needed to head back to the office for some more skyping sessions.

Going Home:
We started looking for different ways to get to Taiwan. It was much easier after we got a hold of my mom and got her help with the travel arrangements. The question now was do we go together or does Helen go first and I join later. After a quick discussion, we decided to go together and we gave the green light on those travel arrangements. We got home pretty late after making all the arrangements. We packed our bags and were off to the airport about 2 hours later.

Tuesday 09.16.2008
The trip itself was uneventful; we made it to Taiwan after about a hour+ delay in HK. We tried to get some sleep on the plane when we could, but it was difficult because of all the things that run through your head. You're thinking about the situation, best-case scenarios, worst-case scenarios, what you would do in each situation. Trying to make the most logical and best decision based on the situation and the information you have. Then you pass some kids and a toy store at the airport, and your mind wonders to what should've been. That clear vision that you had not more than a day ago, gone, and you have a huge void in your chest. An emptiness that can’t be filled and all you can do then is to rely on each other to get through it.

Presidential Treatment:
When we arrived in Taiwan, around 16:00, we headed straight for the NTUH. We got a little lost on the way to the hospital, but we eventually found the right complex and ward. The queue at this hospital works similar to a deli queue. Our aunt had already gotten a ticket for us at noon and it read "1". When we entered the waiting area, they were already at 52 and there was about 10 people waiting in line. Normally if you are late, they will make you wait a few numbers before taking you. Luckily our uncle left instruction for us so we said a few key words to the attendant and magically were next on the list to see Dr. H. Our family told us that we were in good hands; Taiwan's former president and his family members used this guy.

Do Not Pass Go:
It was 17:00 local time. We met with Dr. H. for about 15 minutes and then went to the ultrasound room. In the examination room, they examined the baby/womb carefully. From this exam we got more information. They pointed out: 1) Heart with heart beat 2) No Amniotic fluid, 3) The unknown cyst in the baby's abdomen was actually moving, so the mass could possibly be from a ruptured intestine probably due to some blockage in the digestive track, 4) Missing/Un-identifiable organs 5) Deformed Skull (From lack of fluid). After the exam we met back up with the doctor for some more details.

The prognosis wasn't very favorable. He said that the rupture happened recently, as the liquid had not solidified yet. The baby doesn't have room to grow properly because of the lack of amniotic fluids and therefore its arms and legs would be severely deformed. There are missing organs. If we continued with the pregnancy, it was unlikely things would get better. The only thing that was really keeping the baby alive was the umbilical cord. If we were to continue the baby would have a very, very low chance of survival outside of the womb, and would under go many hardships. Our hearts sank with each word and the truth of the situation became clear. He offered us tissues as he spoke and talked about what we should do next.

He suggested that we terminate the pregnancy within a week. He didn't want the rupture or the passing of the baby to produce any toxins that were harmful to Helen. He suggested a more natural method for termination, which would give us the best chance on having more children. He gave us a doctor's note and gave us sometime to think. He said we could come back to NTUH when we've made up our minds but recommended that we make a decision soon.

We took a moment outside to cry.

A Goodnight Sleep:
We went to my Da Gu's house for another long night. Again many things went through our head, like should we get a third consult? Do we keep getting consults until one person says that everything is okay, there is still hope? At which point would we decide that it was enough? Is this acceptable?

The realization of the life lost, our child. The fact that we’re saying, “Okay, kill our baby”, the baby that we so much wanted. All our hopes and aspirations, everything that was good in us, the love and care that we provided and wanted to give. To us, our baby was special.

We mourned not being able to hear our baby say "Dad" and "Mom". Not witnessing that first step. Not being there for its first day of school. Our dreams for our baby, our hopes and wishes, Gone. We still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl and why are we still calling the baby IT!

A Long Road Starts With One Step:
Wednesday 09.17.2008
My mom took the first fight out to Taiwan on Monday evening from New York and got into Taiwan at 06:00. She came straight to Da Gu's house and arrived around 08:00. We quickly filled her in on the latest news and then headed to the Hospital to get an appointment for termination. After we got booked, we started the procedure. Dr. H. recommended a procedure that was friendlier to Helen and would cause the least amount of trauma possible. We wanted to ensure that there was a possibility to have kids in the future. The process was to widen Helen's cervix using medication. After the cervix has widened to the correct size, they would induce labor. They first ran some more tests and did a few more ultrasounds to verify the conditions have not changed. Helen was admitted into the hospital and we started the first part of the procedure about 11:30.

We were then wheeled into the maternity ward while we waited for the medication to do its job. The waiting was long. Things started to slow, your mind wonders. You try to get some rest, but there's still so much that you need to do. We made the best of the situation and took a break, had some rest and then the miracle of 802.11, we were online. We took the opportunity to get back in sync and fill in some people as to what the latest news was. The nurses made a comment that it was the first time they saw the IV rig being used in such an artistic way.

As the day rolled on we had many visitors. Family and friends that we haven't seen in a long time that help warmed the room and made us feel good. It was the first time in a while that we could just talk and talk about other things than what we were here for. We shared stories of our youth; our lives and we laughed and wept.

Contemplating the moment:
After the visitors left, we tried to get some rest, but it was another long night. We were contemplating how it was going to go down and what we were going to do with our baby. How do you end someone's life, more so your own flesh and blood? Is it in pain? Can we hold the baby when it comes out? Should I cut the cord? We don't want it to die alone; we still so much want to be with it. We're not sure if we can bear to let go.

Waiting:
Thursday 09.18.2008
The morning started early. The nurses came in through out the night to add more medication and check up on Helen's condition. Helen was in some discomfort and pain. It seemed the medication was working it's course and today would be the day. Around 08:00, we were carted from the ward back into the maternity/delivery area. The doctor took a look and seemed that we needed some more medication and time before we could proceed. So they gave Helen some more medication and we wait. I figure it's a good time to try to catch up on some work and get my mind off of things.

At about 15:00 we are moved into a private room. 15:15 they start the feed that will make Helen go into labor. It's just a matter of time now. It's 17:30, and there's not much change. They up the dosage from 8.0 to 12.0, and we wait. At 18:50, 12.0 to 16.0, 21:05 upped from 16.0 to 20.0 and, 22:15 upped to 25.0.

Audible:
Friday 09.19.2008
The dosage is up to 30.0 now and still nothing. 10:10 upped to 40.0, maximum recommended dosage. The nurses came in to check up on Helen every so often, with no change. At 15:30, Dr. H comes in to check up on us. It's apparent that after 24 hours the medication isn't working like they had hoped and we are now considering waiting another day to see if conditions change or moving forward with another option.

16:50 we tell the doctor's that we're ready to begin option B. They come in shortly after and take Helen to the operating room. They tell me I can't come and to wait in our room. So I sit and I wait. 17:01.... 17:06.... I thought time moved slow before, now it's barely moving forward. I don't know what's going on. 17:10, I'm wondering how Helen is holding up. I need to know.

They said option B would be to insert a balloon into her cervix and fill it up with liquid. Then create a force to pull the balloon out. This will help the cervix expand to the correct size over the next several hours to allow the baby to be born. They said the procedure should take about 15 minutes; it's 17:20. It seems like an hour has passed. 17:27 the nurse comes in and calls me out to help her and scuttles away quickly. I'm wondering what has happened. When I get my sandals on and go outside she's gone. It takes a few minutes to locate her and she leads me to Helen. Thankfully, she just needs my help to cart Helen back into our room.

In Sickness and in Health:
If you wonder why those words are part of your wedding vows, I've got a few good examples. Since Helen's been back, she's been in noticeable discomfort. Seems that she can't hold down any food. After a bite of dinner, everything she ate today came right back out. The contraption they put in Helen seems unreal. It's like a medieval torture device, but they say that it works and is the second best way to open the cervix. So it looks like when medication fails, it's good to know that gravity still works.

Helen's body language is quite different now. She's pale, quiet and in noticeable pain. We are waiting for this contraption to do its thing. Helen is resting and I'm doing my best, watching over her.

I should mention when a contraction occurs Helen is in noticeable pain and when it’s a strong contraction, she’s grimacing.

21:22 - The feeling of the first contraction. She thinks.
21:34 - Another
21:35 - A real contraction?
21:39 - Another contraction...
21:48 - Contraction
21:52 - Contraction
22:04 - Contraction

Helen throws up again.

22:09 - Contraction
22:15 - Contraction
22:23 - Contraction
22:27 - Contraction
22:32 - Contraction
22:39 - Contraction
22:42 - Contraction
22:47 - Contraction
22:50 - Contraction
22:53 - Contraction
22:58 - Contraction
23:01 - Contraction
23:03 - Contraction
23:06 - Contraction
23:12 - Contraction
23:16 - Contraction
23:21 - Contraction
23:25 - Contraction
23:29 - Contraction
23:35 - Contraction
23:38 - Contraction
23:42 - Contraction
23:44 - Contraction
23:49 - Contraction
23:55 - Contraction

Nurse tells us it's going to be like this all night

Saturday 09.20.2008
00:00 - Contraction
00:02 - Contraction
00:04 - Contraction
00:09 - Contraction

Helen throws up.

00:17 - Contraction
00:21 - Contraction
00:29 - Contraction

We fade in and out

02:39 - We call the nurse quickly. Helen was surprised; the ball fell out. Mike was not; Gravity still works.

We go back to sleep and it seems that Helen feels much better.

05:10 - IV upped 45.0
06:40 - IV upped 50.0

We fade in and out

08:34 - Contraction
08:58 - Contraction
09:12 - Contraction
09:14 - Contraction
09:21 - Contraction
09:38 - Contraction
09:50 - IV upped 58.0
10:04 - Contraction
11:10 - IV upped 60.0
11:29 - Contraction
12:03 - Contraction
12:06 - Contraction
12:11 - Contraction
12:13 - Contraction
12:16 - Contraction
12:22 - Contraction
12:28 – Contraction
12:35 - Freedom for Helen till 14:00. Helen takes this opportunity to take a shower.
13:20 - Helen is back on the bed and a new IV is inserted and started from 8.0.
13:36 - Contraction
14:00 - IV upped 16.0
14:31 - IV upped 24.0
14:38 - Contraction
15:06 - IV upped 32.0
16:35 - IV upped 38.0
17:48 - IV upped 45.0
17:59 - Doctor examines Helen and order for 8 sticks of seaweed sticks
18:03 - Contraction
18:35 - Contraction
18:43 - IV upped 50.0
18:49 - Seaweed arrives.
18:53 - Helen goes into the operation room.
19:13 - Helen is back in the room and we are told 4 sticks were used
19:14 - IV upped 60.0
19:22 - IV upped 65.0
19:26 - Contraction Discomfort
20:53 - IV upped 70.0
21:13 - Contraction
21:27 - Contraction
21:33 - Contraction
21:46 - Contraction
21:52 - Contraction
21:55 - Contraction
21:58 - Contraction
22:05 - Contraction
22:11 - Contraction
22:14 - Contraction
22:18 - Contraction
22:23 - Contraction
22:38 - Contraction
22:44 - Contraction
22:49 - Contraction
22:54 - Strong Contraction
22:57 - Strong Contraction

Test Run: We push with each contraction. Nurse says that it's not time yet.

23:00 - Strong Contraction
23:03 - Strong Contraction
23:07 - Strong Contraction
23:11 - Contraction
23:12 - Contraction
23:13 - Strong Contraction
23:17 - Contraction
23:19 - Contraction
23:22 - Contraction
23:25 - Contraction
23:27 - Contraction
23:35 - Contraction
23:37 - Strong Contraction
23:40 - Strong Contraction
23:44 - Contraction
23:46 - Contraction
23:47 - Contraction
23:49 - Strong Contraction
23:52 - Contraction
23:53 - Strong Contraction
23:57 - Contraction

Sunday 09.21.2008
00:01 - Strong Contraction
00:06 - Strong Contraction
00:09 - Strong Contraction
00:13 - Contraction
00:16 - Strong Contraction
00:18 - Strong Contraction
00:19 - Strong Contraction
00:23 - Strong Contraction
00:25 - Contraction
00:27 - Strong Contraction
00:30 - Strong Contraction
00:33 - Strong Contraction
00:36 - Strong Contraction
00:38 - Strong Contraction
00:40 - Contraction
00:43 - Strong Contraction
00:51 - Contraction
00:55 - Strong Contraction
01:03 - Contraction
01:05 - Strong Contraction
01:11 - Strong Contraction
01:14 - Strong Contraction
01:20 - Strong Contraction
01:23 - Contraction
01:24 - Contraction
01:26 - Contraction
01:28 - Strong Contraction
01:30 - Contraction
01:31 - Contraction
01:33 - Strong Contraction
01:35 - Contraction
01:41 - Strong Contraction
01:44 - Strong Contraction
01:46 - Contraction
01:48 - Strong Contraction
01:50 - Contraction
01:51 - Strong Contraction
01:53 - Strong Contraction
01:58 - Strong Contraction
02:00 - Strong Contraction
02:02 - Strong Contraction
02:04 - Strong Contraction
02:06 - Strong Contraction

Mike fades out, and Mom steps in.

02:10 - Strong Contraction
02:14 - Strong Contraction
02:15 - Contraction
02:17 - Strong Contraction
02:22 - Contraction
02:25 - Contraction

Helen is exhausted and falls asleep between 2:35 and 3:20

03:26 - Strong Contraction
03:39 - Strong Contraction
03:41 - Strong Contraction
03:45 - Strong Contraction
03:48 - Contraction
03:49 - Strong Contraction
03:55 - Contraction
03:58 - Strong Contraction
04:01 - Strong Contraction
04:04 - Strong Contraction
04:08 - Strong Contraction
04:16 - Strong Contraction
04:18 - Contraction
04:21 - Strong Contraction
04:23 - Strong Contraction
04:31 - Strong Contraction
04:34 - Contraction

No more ink.

05:00 - Throws up
06:10 - Pushing. Helen is in excruciating pain. There's nothing I can do to comfort her except hold her hand and tell her to breathe. Her body is wrenching in pain, twisting and turning. Her facial expression isn’t much better.
06:44 - It’s quiet. Between Helen’s legs lie the placenta, umbilical cord, and baby, which is still in the sac. I look at it closely and it’s not alive.
06:45 - Helen is wheeled away.

We pack up and move to the waiting area.

07:40 - We are called into the operating waiting area where we see Helen again. She's lying on a bed and she seems well. A few minutes later we get another look at our baby and he's beautiful. He's laying there, all 370g of him, on his side, almost like he's suckling his thumb, he's so small and fragile, and his face is so cute. Helen and I hold each other's hands and we weep.

And just like that, it’s over.

We wheel Helen into a waiting area and the recovering process begins.

A Cause for Celebration:
Some would say that Helen and I became parents for the first time on September 21, 2008 at 06:44 and then promptly lost our child. However, I think we became parents much earlier than that.

Daniel D. Shyu
05.12.2008 - 09.21.2008 06:44
Born and passed away in Taipei, Taiwan.

Even though many of you never met Daniel; he touched our lives so much. Daniel made Helen and I better people. We changed our lifestyle, ate healthier, exercised more, and spent more time together. Dad played Guitar Hero while Mom would sing. We read stories to Daniel, Helen hummed lullabies, we played games on mommy's tummy, and we talked about our dreams and wishes.

Daniel was only with us for 20 weeks, and known to most of you for 8 weeks. In that short period of time Daniel accomplished a lot. Daniel brought our family and friends closer together. Daniel showed Helen and I another level of love, a stronger love for each other and for him.

Daniel helped start our family, and showed us the joys of parenthood. We will remember Daniel for what he has accomplished and how he has touched our lives. We will miss you Daniel, but you will forever be in our mind and hearts. We look forward to that day when we can meet Daniel again. In this lifetime or the next.

We celebrate the precious time we had together.

Euphemisms and Stereotypes

There are a few points in your life where you can make a decision and know how the rest of your life will pan out (or at least the next several years). If you've been there, you know what I mean. For Example, when you've met that special someone, you just know. You can see the your life with them, how you will live, interact, start a family, grow old, etc. I pretty sure I'm at one of those points in my life again (If you don't know we're having a baby). I can totally see the next few years and I'm very excited to get started: feedings, short nights, diaper changes, teaching, learning, play-time, new TOYS!!! etc. The only question I have is will I be buying Blue Barbie Dolls or Pink Action Figures! I guess we'll find out today.

Mango - 19 weeks

So I read that our kid is the size of a large mango now. It sure feels bigger than that though. Its arms and legs should be in proportion now and its bones are hardening, giving it better control over its limb movements... which means those phantom kicks I felt should be more obvious soon. Kung fu mango.

This is where Mike chimes in with a cheer to the baby: "Yeah! Kick mommy!" =/ Poor me.

17 weeks and 23 more to go...

Little Mike and Helen

Oh? What's this? You ask. Are you guys...?

Yep! 17 weeks in the making. 23 more to go. The plan is that it will be born here in Beijing late January/early February, after Chinese New Year.

Looking at our baby photos, I wonder what our baby will look like. My nose or his? My eyes or his? The fuzzy ultrasound photos we took in July only show a head, brain, body, spine, heart, arms, hands, and feet. That's all I could tell from the photos. It moved a lot last we saw it, and I heard its heart beat just last week.

But I want to know so much more! So I bought a couple of baby books that discusses babies and their development. I even watched a few Discovery, BBC, and other documentary videos about babies and the human body. I made hubby watch them with me. (There were some shots that we weren't ready for... aka the Big Push... ARGH!!! My eyes!!)

What about its development? Can the baby hear us now? A baby book said that babies can hear after 3 months, and has sharp hearing after 26 weeks. It doesn't hear like we hear... more like how you hear things underwater they say. Ok, I'll buy that.

So, I'm starting to do some prenatal education.

• When I can, I talk to it. When I'm talking to it I try to talk slowly, drag my vowels and repeat key words like Mommy and Daddy. I'm trying to switch to good morning instead of good night, but I snooze too much.

• When I'm at home I sing to it. I like humming Ave Maria. I'm also practicing nursery rhymes. These days it's 5 little monkeys jumping on a bed and itsy bitsy spider. Gotta go look up the right lyrics for some of the others. =p They say that sounds and music babies heard frequently in the womb comfort them after they're born. I'm sticking with ones I have fun with.
  

• At work I play it some classical music. Mostly Mozart and Beethoven.
  

• I try to practice some Spanish or Japanese with it. But I not doing too well with that. I'm not even gonna try French, don't want it to pick up my bad pronounciation.
  

• Its daddy and I try to read it some classic children stories. I looked them up on the internet and was shocked that the originals, ie: three little pigs, was nothing like what we remembered... apparently daddy and I got the Disney-ed version. To filter or not to filter this stuff with our kid... that's a question for another day.