Recovery

To all who have been concerned with how I've been, I have been doing pretty well in recovery (physically and emotionally). Thank you for your kind and caring thoughts and words. I've been a good girl: eating and resting as I should.

It's been a week since the birth and about 2 weeks since the fatal checkup. As hellish as the labor process had been, if it weren't for Mike keeping a blog for that week I probably would only remember it as one long day. The recovery part however, feels like one long month.

One of the toughest parts of this past week in recovery would be that last night in the hospital. We were resting in a hospital room that housed 3 patients. The 2 other patients in our room were mothers who just gave birth and were learning to nurse. A baby's cry had never sounded so sweet and heartbreaking to me before. I never noticed before that each baby had a distinctive cry, and I found that I couldn't help myself from listening to the crying babies all around our ward. Now I know why a mother can tell her baby's cry from a symphony of sounds. And of course, I grieve that I shall never know the sweet sound of Daniel. Of all the things I knew I would miss out on, this surprising element hit me hard. I think Mike felt the same and I'm glad we had each other that night.

Another tough part of recovery is showering. While pregnant I would spend time in front of the mirror checking out my belly's progress, a private time to be naked physically and emotionally with Daniel. With the acoustics in the shower I would sing for him, pray for him to grow healthy, and ask in a whisper if Daniel decided to be a boy or girl. Now the shower mirror reminds me of the emptiness of my belly and that I'm alone in the bathroom.

All in all though, I feel fortunate and blessed. The loss of Daniel is devastating, but our life is not a tradgedy. Mike and I received so many e-mails with kind words and support from all around the world. Mike's blog touched many hearts and our Daniel will be remembered and live on, which comforts me enormously. We love him with all we have, and knowing that others love him too shows how fortunate Daniel is. I like to think that Daniel chose us, maybe knowing that he wouldn't make it, but knowing that he would be loved and remembered. If Daniel needed a little good krama/prayer to help him with his next life, then I think he knew our family and friends could help. I hope that we've done what we can for him, and he carries all this love with him for that next leap.

I can only hope with all that Mike and I have been through, it will help us appreciate life more and help make the family we plan to have stronger.