Helen on habits

I resent routines, I resent these so called habits.

I resent my bad habits, so much that I'm in denial about them and try to justify them. Bad habits like procrastination: I justify to myself that what I gotta do has too many unknown factors, that I've got too many things on my plate now, that I'll do it when it's the right time or that I still have plenty of time to do it... etc. Is it still procrastinating when I'm trying to talk myself out of procrastinating? I guess the answer is the same as is it still quitting if you're still smoking? hmm...

I also resent having to develop good habits. Everyone's got a few they tell you is good for you. Making your bed. Taking your vitamins. Read the bible. Exercise 3 times a week. Dentist twice a year. But I'm already spending all my time trying to rid myself of bad habits, where am I gonna find time to develop good habits? There's only 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year, and I'll probably only have 90 years if I'm lucky.

My brother chatted with me in the car one day, and from our talk I figured out why I have these resentments. It's a childhood thing. Being told what to do, how to use my time, what to aspire to, all in all how to live my life but not really having a say in it. That's all natural, everyone's been through that. But here is why children need good role models: because if you're not a good role model then saying these things make you a hypocrite. What I mean is that to suggest a good habit but not taking the same medicine, makes one a hypocrite and the suggestion loses its weight. It actually may do harm.

So I guess I want control over my life. I guess I want life to be fair. Even if all logic points to it being good for me, I still want to make the call. And for something to become a habit, it means everyday I have to decide to do it. If it hasn't become a habit, then that means some days I said no. And I relish my right to say no, even if it bites me in the butt later.

But I also find that I have so much I want to share with people that I care for. My words won't carry weight unless I'm a good role model. How do I take care of them if I can't take care of myself? How will I care for them when it takes me 2 hours to cook dinner, a week to complete an errand, or a month just to write a blog post? Am I still in control? Am I still a good role model if I have good intent but lack in execution? And wasn't that what I resented in others in the first place?

Doh!