I wrote this a while ago... had technical difficulties (Chinese firewall).
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Baby Shyu’s got approximately 7 weeks to go. I guess it’s time to start thinking about the end of pregnancy and the beginning of motherhood. As much as I know how it’s supposed to go, it’s still something that no one can control and who knows how things will turn out. As with most things in life, all I can do is do my best and just accept whatever may come.
I guess you can say that I’ve been preparing myself for motherhood for almost 2 years. When Mike and I got married (4.5 years ago) I knew that I’d be a mother one day but didn’t have the confidence for it just yet. Just trying to have it all: a happy husband, a bonded family, a fulfilling career, a dream home, a social life, a solid financial future, physical fitness and health, and all other aspirations for charity work or helping the environment... was already overwhelming me. I think I got a good start on all of that with a lot of help and support from Mike, but I also wondered how long I could keep all of that up once you add a baby into the equation. People say that you’ll just deal with everything day by day when the baby comes, so just do it and you’ll be fine. Mike’s one of those people. Me, I’m not so confident. I gotta KNOW as much as I can until there’s nothing else to learn except from doing it.
I also had a hard time figuring out life when we first got to China. Of course the language, culture, and getting around part of life were the least of MY difficulties, unlike others that come to China. Looking back I see that I wasn’t satisfied with a lot of things in our new life. My confidence in my abilities took a hit when I started working with Mike in his office. Mike and I always agree on our goals and what should be the ultimate result, but how we approach things is so very different. I couldn’t complete a lot of tasks as well as I should have because his approach felt so alien to me and I couldn’t help resisting and feeling resentful. Outside of work was tough too. I dislike confrontation, so having to bargain for every thing every time I go shopping and not finding familiar brands when I shop was such a drain on my spirits. So all in all, even though starting a family was on our agenda for life in China, I wasn’t confident enough to do it. I just felt that I couldn’t accomplish anything and that everything little thing although simple was so overwhelming.
It wasn’t until one night Mike confronted me about how I spend my time wasting away and not doing anything productive since we got to China. Mike was up to his eyebrows in his work and trying so hard to push things along and make things happen. Where as I literally could do anything I want but after months and months I still had nothing to show for my time in China. Get an Engineering job? Teach English? Take classes? Do creative writing? Really, anything. It took some time for me to realize why I didn’t want to do any of that. They were not the main drive for me to come to China. The reasons for me to come to China were so that Mike could reach a new level in his career and that it was financially possible for us to start a family.
Well then... what are we waiting for? Ehh... I dunno if I’m ready. Mike asks me why not? What am I not sure about? Well... how do I know if I’m going to be a good mom? What if a baby is more than I can handle? I’ve never been around babies, so they just seem so alien to me. What am I gonna do when the baby cries? Where am I gonna find stuff to buy for the baby? Is this the right environment for our baby? etc etc. Mike in his typical fashion dispelled all my doubts with a few words of humor and faith. It doesn’t really matter what he said, but what I thought of after he said it. I have faith in Mike. I have faith that with him, we can make things work. I’ve seen how he is with children and I’m confident that he’ll be a good father. So even if I screw up and I’m not the best mom ever, I’m sure the kid will turn out fine because Mike will be a good father. Wasn’t that one of the reasons I married him? How could I not love a mini Mike? Or two or three? And that should be reason enough for me to be a mom.
And so, I was ready to have our child. I was ready to become a mom. And even with all that we’ve been through with Daniel, I didn’t give up on becoming a mom. Maybe because of Daniel, I wanted to become a mom even more. Life would suck if I didn’t get that happy ending, where I get to hold our child in my arms after birth and hear that first cry. That’s what we couldn’t have with Daniel. That’s the moment I look forward to these days, and why I won’t complain too much as my back aches and my skin stretches from being pregnant. I want my happy ending of pregnancy and the beautiful start for becoming a mom.
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