How I decided to become a mom

I wrote this a while ago... had technical difficulties (Chinese firewall).

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Baby Shyu’s got approximately 7 weeks to go. I guess it’s time to start thinking about the end of pregnancy and the beginning of motherhood. As much as I know how it’s supposed to go, it’s still something that no one can control and who knows how things will turn out. As with most things in life, all I can do is do my best and just accept whatever may come.

I guess you can say that I’ve been preparing myself for motherhood for almost 2 years. When Mike and I got married (4.5 years ago) I knew that I’d be a mother one day but didn’t have the confidence for it just yet. Just trying to have it all: a happy husband, a bonded family, a fulfilling career, a dream home, a social life, a solid financial future, physical fitness and health, and all other aspirations for charity work or helping the environment... was already overwhelming me. I think I got a good start on all of that with a lot of help and support from Mike, but I also wondered how long I could keep all of that up once you add a baby into the equation. People say that you’ll just deal with everything day by day when the baby comes, so just do it and you’ll be fine. Mike’s one of those people. Me, I’m not so confident. I gotta KNOW as much as I can until there’s nothing else to learn except from doing it.

I also had a hard time figuring out life when we first got to China. Of course the language, culture, and getting around part of life were the least of MY difficulties, unlike others that come to China. Looking back I see that I wasn’t satisfied with a lot of things in our new life. My confidence in my abilities took a hit when I started working with Mike in his office. Mike and I always agree on our goals and what should be the ultimate result, but how we approach things is so very different. I couldn’t complete a lot of tasks as well as I should have because his approach felt so alien to me and I couldn’t help resisting and feeling resentful. Outside of work was tough too. I dislike confrontation, so having to bargain for every thing every time I go shopping and not finding familiar brands when I shop was such a drain on my spirits. So all in all, even though starting a family was on our agenda for life in China, I wasn’t confident enough to do it. I just felt that I couldn’t accomplish anything and that everything little thing although simple was so overwhelming.

It wasn’t until one night Mike confronted me about how I spend my time wasting away and not doing anything productive since we got to China. Mike was up to his eyebrows in his work and trying so hard to push things along and make things happen. Where as I literally could do anything I want but after months and months I still had nothing to show for my time in China. Get an Engineering job? Teach English? Take classes? Do creative writing? Really, anything. It took some time for me to realize why I didn’t want to do any of that. They were not the main drive for me to come to China. The reasons for me to come to China were so that Mike could reach a new level in his career and that it was financially possible for us to start a family.

Well then... what are we waiting for? Ehh... I dunno if I’m ready. Mike asks me why not? What am I not sure about? Well... how do I know if I’m going to be a good mom? What if a baby is more than I can handle? I’ve never been around babies, so they just seem so alien to me. What am I gonna do when the baby cries? Where am I gonna find stuff to buy for the baby? Is this the right environment for our baby? etc etc. Mike in his typical fashion dispelled all my doubts with a few words of humor and faith. It doesn’t really matter what he said, but what I thought of after he said it. I have faith in Mike. I have faith that with him, we can make things work. I’ve seen how he is with children and I’m confident that he’ll be a good father. So even if I screw up and I’m not the best mom ever, I’m sure the kid will turn out fine because Mike will be a good father. Wasn’t that one of the reasons I married him? How could I not love a mini Mike? Or two or three? And that should be reason enough for me to be a mom.

And so, I was ready to have our child. I was ready to become a mom. And even with all that we’ve been through with Daniel, I didn’t give up on becoming a mom. Maybe because of Daniel, I wanted to become a mom even more. Life would suck if I didn’t get that happy ending, where I get to hold our child in my arms after birth and hear that first cry. That’s what we couldn’t have with Daniel. That’s the moment I look forward to these days, and why I won’t complain too much as my back aches and my skin stretches from being pregnant. I want my happy ending of pregnancy and the beautiful start for becoming a mom.

Feed the baby

So I read that I should have gained 15 lbs (7kg) by now, but I've only gained around 10 lbs (4.5kg). In order to gain healthy weight, my life these days is revolved around food. I eat 5 times a day: breakfast, lunch, tea time, dinner, and pre-midnight snack. I pretty much don't leave the house unless it's to buy food, eat food, or meet people over food. I'm eating something every 2~3 hours.

Lately what I've been eating is as follows:

Breakfast: Milk shake, or fried egg w/toast, or cereal w/milk, or oatmeal, or pastry, or 5 silver dollar pancakes with real maple syrup (Thanks to Larke for the mix and syrup!).

Lunch: Pasta w/IKEA meatballs or w/chicken, or a burger or two (chicken or fish), or a chicken sandwich, or a chicken burrito, or tofu soup with veges.

Tea Time: Fruit, or milk and cookies, or ice cream, or pastry, or leftover lunch.

Dinner: Home cooked Chinese meal, KFC chicken bucket, Mexican, or Japanese.

Pre-midnight snack: Fruit or leftover dinner.

That's just the healthy stuff. I'm sure I've sneaked cookies, chips, gummy bears, cakes, bakery goods and other junk into this diet every so often.

My life is so about food, that half the content in my purse is food. My purse carries a rotation of gummy bears, chips, cookies, and granola bars. I carry around a lock-and-lock tupperware so that I can carry around food or bag leftovers to bring home. I even bag up the food that our friends at the table didn't finish. I have no shame. I gotta feed this baby somehow.

My time online has been about food too. I'm browsing online sites that deliver food and cash on delivery. I'm trying them out to see how good their service is and how good their products are. I haven't found one site or physical store that offers all that I need yet, which makes shopping so fustrating. I'm not even talking about price comparing, they just flat out don't offer all the products. I hope to find everything I need delivered to me one way or another as I will be getting too big to get around soon.

Smoke and dreams

I understand smokers have rights too, but when you and I share a restaurant/café/indoor space would you please refrain from lighting it up? It’s one thing for you to smoke after your meal, but another for you to light up the cig just to have it burn between your fingers and never touch your lips again. Can I interest you in a candle? It does exactly what you’re doing with that cig and is much better for our health. Baby and I will buy you a pack of candles if you don’t light up that cig. 

Doesn't China have regulations against smoking indoors you ask? Actually, I think it does. I just read on WSJ about some people getting detained for a few days after refusing to put out their smoke in shopping markets. "...China’s new fire-control regulations came into effect May 1. Under the regulations, anyone who smokes or lights an open flame in a hazardous situation can be subject to up to five days detention."

The life of "just us two" will be coming to an end, and we’re starting to plan for the exciting life of three. Mike’s jet setting life of Asian Frisbee Tournaments might be put on halt until baby’s ready to join us. (Hope this one travels well. Do they make baby Frisbee gear? Hear that fiveultimate? Hint hint.) Our third bedroom/walk-in-closet/poker room is now cleared of table and chairs, clothes shifted to our bedroom closets to make room for baby's stuff, and soon I'm gonna decorate the walls to turn it into a nursery. We sat in the future nursery at night and talked about where the crib should go, whether or not we want to leave the shaggy green rug where it is, where my Ikea Poing chair for nursing will go, and what other furniture baby will need. It's a nice feeling, having something to look forward to, to dream about.

Now that the table and chairs are removed, the room looks a lot bigger than I had thought. Looks like baby will have a good amount of floor to drool, crawl, and play on. We’ll see if I can keep the toys in there with baby instead of all over the living/dining room. There is certainly enough shelves along the wall to keep the potential Barbie/GI Joe/Elmo/Pooh etc. toy stuff displayed. Theme? No theme yet. 

Pregnant in China

Today’s the first time someone gave up the seat to me on public transportation. I had deliberately missed one train on the subway so that I could be first in line for the next train and grab an available seat. My destination was at least 40 minutes away and I didn’t want to spend it standing up. There was only one seat available in the car that arrived and it was almost mine. Two teenaged girls got to it the same time as I did and one of them took it. I had a second of annoyance on my face before the lady sitting next to her took a glance at my belly and my standard pregnant woman apron dress, widened her eyes, and got up to let me sit. The second teenage girl almost sat down in the seat but I didn’t hesitate this time and squeezed into the seat as I said thank you to the lady that stood up. I guess this instance was proof of good and bad manners of people in Beijing.

Today’s also the first time I bought baby clothes! There’s a boutique by my house that is having an end-of-lease sale, so I got a green with yellow polkadots onesie and a yellow sweater for baby. SO CUTE! Both 100% cotton and although made in China they are “export quality”. They didn’t shrink after the first wash, so all is good. Although my heart wishes to buy baby organic cotton brand name clothes, building a whole wardrobe with it doesn’t seem frugal nor practical. I read that some study out there took a sample of children clothes in China and found that a majority of them have some residue of pesticides or whatever chemicals, so I have to be very careful about whom I buy from and always wash before use. This boutique owner is very knowledgeable about where her stock comes from and the quality of the products. That’s as good of an assurance as I’ll get for now in China.

Baby musings

I read somewhere that pregnant women with frequent heartburn have babies with a full head of hair. If that’s true, then this one’s gonna be a Wookiee. (Here’s where Mike chimes in and says “just like her mama!”)

Baby Shyu’s wriggling in the tummy has turned into sharper pokes and kicks. Mike’s waiting for the day that he can feel it too. The “was that baby or a random cramp” has turned into a “was that a poke or a kick” question. She goes quiet whenever Mike places his hands on my belly though, as if playing a game of hide and seek. I think it'll be a few weeks before baby can play patty cake.

Currently baby weighs about a pound and is little longer than 8 inches, or so they say. She’s starting to grow her fat and muscles, possibly doubling her weight in the next month. It will be scary if my weight doubles as well! Ha. The skin around my belly feels tight as if it’s about to burst and split sometimes, but a good belly rubbing makes me feel a lot better. My belly button has started to change too. Mike's waiting for it to pop out. He says it'll be my third nipple. Oi.

Baby Bump

To borrow lyrics from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s famous song: Oh my god, Becky, look at her… BELLY!

Yup, this belly has popped. Currently I’m at least 4kg (9lbs) heavier than pre-pregnancy and my waist is 6.5in (YIKES!) wider. My hips feel larger too, but I’m still in denial about that so no measurement for you. =p There was a second sometime ago where I went into a panic because I thought I could no longer touch my toes, but I tried again and succeeded. I imagine that will change soon enough.

So Mike and I took a little babymoon last week. Mike had an Ultimate Frisbee tournament in Singapore and then we hopped right over to Thailand for a nice 5-night vacation. I’ll write more about the trip later because this post is the baby update.

What baby update? Well the day before we left for the trip we had THE CHECKUP – the halfway mark and detailed ultrasound. Baby Shyu is developing nicely, just the right size with all the fingers and toes. What a relief it was to see all the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, though in no way was it anything like the peaceful floating in a bubble that a lot of drawings depict. Baby’s actually a bit cramped in there! During the ultrasound, baby was actually head down and pushing around trying to get more space. Practicing for the big push perhaps? I’ve no clue. Everything from this point on is new territory and we’re ecstatic about it. We’re so looking forward to be able to feel baby from outside the belly (kick mommy!), then meeting for the first time around Christmas.

The only thing the doctor ordered was for me to gain more weight (I was only +2kg the day of the checkup). Well I’ve definitely achieved that this past week, doubling my weight gain! Ah thank you Singapore chili crabs, Thailand hotel Thai food buffets, room service American breakfast and croissants, and the bountiful shrimps in every dish we ate the past week. Seeing as how I eat 5 times a day, that’s a lot of food. I’m so glad I brought my lock-and-lock with me for all those meals. The leftover chili crab with bread for next morning’s breakfast was excellent. I anticipate this week that baby will be wondering where all the yummy seafood went and issue a complaint with me. Sorry baby, it’s not the same in Beijing.

This isn’t 100%, but the technician thinks it may be a girl. YAY! A girl would be great to lavish our affections on. I suspected it might be a girl earlier in the pregnancy although I wasn’t as sure later on. Either way, this one’s gonna be loved. All we pray for is that baby is healthy. Mike’s debating on whether to collect knives or guns to scare future suitors. HA!

So Mike and I are now thinking of names, but it seems easier to think of names NOT to name her:
• Already in the family – ie: Anna; Ariel; Gillian; Helen; Leslie; Maureen; Natalie; Rosalie; Stephanie; Tiffany; Wendy; Whitney; Charlotte; (in no particular order)
• No colors - ie: Ruby Shyu; Jade Shyu; Pearl Shyu; Heather Shyu;
• No seasons – ie: Summer Shyu; Autumn Shyu;
• Watch the initials – ie: A.S.S.
Yeah, the list goes on. I’m sure you’ll think of more. Whatever our choice is, the advice we got from a fellow tourist in Thailand was to keep the name a secret ‘til the end. I guess if we let the name out, someone’s gonna find a way to ruin it, such as knowing another person with that name and adding a bad connotation to it. There’s wisdom in that advice, so mum’s the word.

Shopping for baby items is next? How early is too early to be buying stuff? And good lord, that’s a lot of money.

Halfway mark update

So Baby Shyu is halfway done with the “living in my belly” part of its life. From our last checkup we saw that baby is looking fully human: round head, strong spine, beating heart, and arms and legs that do kung fu. We had tried to take a peek at the “family jewels” or the lack thereof, but baby’s head was in the way. We’ll just have to try again next time.

From the ultrasound photo I noticed a thick white band of “substance” in between the skin of my belly and the baby. My eyes widened at the sudden alarm rushing through me from the shocking thought: “EEEKS! That’s a whole lotta fat!” Fortunately the doctor saw my shaking finger pointing at the substance and enlightened me that it was the placenta. I went Ahhh... and gave a relieved chuckle. So baby’s placenta is situated in the front, acting as a natural buffer between me and its kung fu moves. That would explain why I can’t exactly say if that jabbing pain in me is from the baby or spicy food.

What is annoying are pregnant hormones, specifically progesterone. As I understand it, it’s relaxing my intestine muscles so that food passes by slower and my body can have more time to take nutrients from the food. The annoying part of this is the gas that builds up. Mostly the gas rises (I deny any that come out the other way) and causes me to burp. One or two burps are not a problem. It’s the late at night, lying in bed, suddenly have a million gas bubbles part that is extremely annoying. It feels like heartburn and throwing up gas that’s on fire. It’s already hard to sleep through the night from the tossing from side to side due to pressure on the hips and veins as well as the two trips a night to the bathroom, now I have to sit up and burp fire non-stop for five minutes. Baby, you so owe me.

By the way, Oh So Bossy Baby has relaxed and chilled. It is possible that I just don’t feel baby as sharply as before because of the placenta buffer. It is also possible that baby has gotten off my case now that I live by its strict schedule: eat every two or three hours when I’m awake and don’t forget that midnight snack (which probably contributes to the late night/early morning fire breathing). Lately I’ve been drinking soymilk, which eases the hunger pains a lot and lets me enjoy eating rather than wolfing down food with a frown to ease the pain.

So far I’ve only gained 2kg (4lbs) and when you look at me from the front I look pretty much the same, although some think my face has gotten thinner. Looking at me from the side on the other hand, I’m no longer the “maybe she ate a lot of burritos” size but the “that’s a baby bump, let me ask how far along is she” size.

I go to prenatal yoga once a week, but I’m the smallest in the class. Other ladies are 34 weeks (one has twins!), some 29 weeks, and one that’s 26 weeks. We go around the room introducing ourselves and I announce my little 19 weeks bump to the 34 weeks everything is open and about to drop ladies. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I don’t need yoga yet and I’ll just come back in a month or two. But after the class I feel so relaxed and my aches are all gone, I say to myself that I gotta come back again. I adore the little babies that come to the studio for the postnatal yoga classes. If baby is good I'll bring it then too. Who knows? Maybe baby will make a friend. =)

When one door closes, a window will open...

So as you may or may not have noticed, Mike and I have not been on Facebook. That's because Great Firewall of China has blocked our access to it. But to my surprise this morning, Blogger/Blogspot is no longer blocked! YAY! I have way to post stuff to the outside world! This just made my day. Now I just hope that China lets us keep this connection to my blog.

BTW, if you comment on this post via Facebook, we can't see it. To comment, please click on the link to the original post so that we can read it on blogspot. haha.

Bossy little thing

If you ask how me and the baby are, these past few days I would tell you that this baby's a bossy little thing.

Between 8AM ~ 9AM it does something that wakes me up, conveying to me in annoyance "Are you up yet?" Then at 10AM, 2PM, 5PM, and 8PM it scrunches up something in me and demands "Feed me!" And not just anything will do. Some things that I liked before taste like cardboard and I cannot take a second bite. If I guess right, then I can finish a whole plate and then some. It changes its preference often too. Buffalo wings were good one week, then the next it's cardboard. Worst was the day after we came back from Hong Kong and Shanghai. I had lots of tasty things all weekend long at both places, then I come back and nothing in our house satisfies the baby. "What is this you feed me? Where's the good stuff that I had all weekend? I am not pleased." it complains. I'm in front of the fridge the whole day trying to find food to appease the Oh So Bossy one.

Lately it has started to control when I go to bed as well. If I had a busy day, then around 11:30PM it pushes me around and won't stop until I lay down. On a light day it let's me stay up 'til 12:30. One night we had people over 'til 2AM, and around 1:30 it twisted everything in me and yelled "Woman! Go to bed!" I said a hasty goodnight to our guests and laid down quickly. It took a while before the baby was convinced that I came to bed.

And then today baby got bored and suddenly acted up. Pushed itself against something on my right side so hard it got my undivided attention. Nothing I said to it convinced it to stop pushing, so I got up and walked around but it didn't do the trick. I stood in front of the fridge but baby wasn't hungry. I complained to its father, telling him that his kid is a bully. He said "Sweet! Who'd he beat up? Did he get someone's lunch money?" When I whined he said that the kid's just strong and gave me a proud smiley face. *sigh* Poor me. In desperation I played some music, and all of a sudden the baby let go of the pressure and let me be in peace.

One of these days, I'm gonna show this kid who's boss. But I guess right now, baby's the boss since it's holding my internal organs hostage. 15 weeks down, 25 more to go.

Announcing Baby Shyu

Head, shoulders, knees and toes... our baby’s got ‘em all. It’s official now, it has its own chart in my hospital file and everything. Baby Shyu is currently 13~14 weeks, due on 12/24/2009 Christmas Eve. Another 6 months to go.

This is our second peek at the little one. It was just a peanut shaped thing last time we saw it. Now its head and spine formation is complete. On the black and white ultrasound photo you can see a little of its cheekbones and face structure. Gonna be a beauty.

Baby Shyu’s heartbeat is strong. We saw the flickering movement on the monitor and heard its fast beat in the doctor’s office. It’s an active one too, did a little dance during the sonogram to show off its arms and legs.

Now we pray that the good news keeps coming: that baby remains healthy.

Here’s what we showed our family after we had our first ultrasound. They say a picture says a 1000 words.





Here’s what I wrote in my secret diary (waiting for today to make public) when the stick showed positive:

April 27, 2009

The long wait is over… we’re finally pregnant again!

It’s been 7 months since we lost Daniel. The doctor had suggested that we wait at least 3 months before trying again, to give my body time to heal and rest. It actually took us 4 months before we felt physically and emotionally ready. And I think a large part of the speedy recovery had to do with being with our family for the holidays. So the past 3 months we’ve been patiently waiting (but I’ll admit that I was pretty disappointed when I wasn’t pregnant last month), but now I can say the long wait is over! We’re pregnant again!

Now as optimistic as we are, dear hubby cautions me to not get too excited and get my hopes up. As we experienced, having a baby is not so easy. So I’m keeping emotions in check, concentrating on health related issues like taking folic acid, taking less caffeine, getting a balanced diet and exercise etc. I’ll let myself go nuts with the other fun stuff after we pass the 20-week mark.

I didn’t have many pregnancy symptoms during my last pregnancy, so I expect that it will be the same this time: no morning sickness (thank god), no food aversions, and no obvious cravings (lucky for dear hubby). But I do feel fatigue every once in a while and I gotta pee a lot. Also, not sure why but during this particular pregnancy I rise/wake up earlier while last pregnancy I couldn’t get out of bed at all. Does that mean this one will be an early riser? Oh the horror!

I expect the next 15 weeks (I’m about 5 weeks now) are going a little déjà vu. I’m signing back on to the pregnancy websites thebump, ivillage, and whattoexpect. The prenatal books are unearthed from the bookshelf, where I have fun comparing the baby’s size to fruits: blueberry, grape, apple, and as big as I got was a mango. I like to keep progress of the fetal development: like right now it’s developing its face (jaw, cheeks and chin), kidneys and liver. Next week it’ll be the brains, mouth, arms and legs. Fascinating!

Helen’s over-detailed travel post: Singapore (Day 0)

April 8th, 2009
Leaving Beijing

08:15 I said goodbye to Mike. He’s not quite awake yet but enough to say goodbye, have a good trip, and that he loves me. I feel a bit sappy and feel like crying a little. I suppose you can say that I’ve become attached to him. =)

08:50 Some website told me that my flight leaves from T1, but after arriving PEK I realize I can’t find my airline in T1. I call the PEK help line, but they are of no help. I find the info desk and at first she couldn’t find my flight in the system (what do you mean you can’t find my flight?!) but a second look confirmed that my flight is from T2. It’s about a 10 min walk between T1 and T2. (The signs said so.) Good thing it’s not at T3, the world’s largest terminal.

09:20 Helen Lu calls me from work to wish me a safe flight and a good trip. How sweet! I txt Mike that I’m @ gate. It’s weird how you much want to connect with loved ones when you’re at the airport. I wonder how airports can be redesigned to ease this anxiety.

09:30 There’s only like 1 place to eat after you pass immigrations inside T2. I’m always disappointed by the food, but end up eating there anyways.

10:00 I found a book I’ve been looking for since I saw it in a magazine! Without Borders and B&N in China, I’ve been desperate in my search for good quality books. It’s a tutorial on how to wear silk scarves. It’s kind of pricey since it’s translated over from Japanese, but I think I need it. I also left my soda on the bookstore’s shelf. Oops.

BEST STORY OF THE DAY
10:45 A Chinese kid yells “Hello!” to the westerners on the shuttle bus. They yell “Hello!” back to him with smiles on their faces. After some prodding from his mom, the kid says “My name is Jiang An.” One guy laughs “My name is John too!”

11:15 I whip out my Spanish book on the plane. I fall asleep before the flight leaves the ground. =p

12:00 Lunch is served. "Pork noodles or fish rice?" they asked. I didn’t feel like noodles, so I braved the fish rice. It’s surprisingly good! The fish is like fish paste nuggets in Gong Pao sauce. I think I got one of the last servings. It’s a popular choice.

12:30 The guy sitting next to me starts a conversation with me. My Spanish book was his opening. He says his wife (who is in the next aisle with their children) taught Spanish and French before becoming a school counselor. He’s from Hawaii and she’s from Mexico. They live in LA (which is the flight’s destination after Shanghai), 15 min away from Disney. He travels lots since he works for a cargo company, and his 3 favorite cities to possibly move to are HK, Shanghai, and Singapore. I ask him where he recommends to eat in Singapore and he says Newton Circle. I recommended soup dumplings at Old Town in Shanghai.

Transfer in Shanghai

13:30 I’m lost in Shanghai’s Pu Dong airport. I didn’t quite understand what the transfer desk lady said, only that I had to exit customs and check in again. I assumed this go-around meant my transfer flight is at T2. During my walk I pass by KFC, Pizza Hut, and Lawsons which I believe is a Japanese 7-11. I walk back to T1 after I realize that I’m wrong since my airline isn’t at T2. I go 2 levels up to the departures level to get my boarding pass. After passing immigrations I realize that I should have gotten something to eat from KFC/Pizza Hut because they were much cheaper than the food at the gates. Prices are 2 to 3 times more than normal, so I settle on just having a coke from a vending machine. It was the only thing priced fairly.

14:15 Most of the above was written while I was waiting for this next flight. I always feel like writing when I’m traveling. Don't you?

16:15 I’m on the flight and I realize I left my coke at the terminal. Oops. I’m such a soda litter bug today.

18:30 The movie on flight is about this couple in Germany (I think). The couple made a move back to the husband’s hometown. She finds out that the husband wasn’t forthcoming on his reasons on moving back. He’s a soccer fanatic and leader of his hometown’s team. She hates soccer. She realizes threats of divorce is not enough to keep him away from his love of soccer, so she goes for his pride/ego: if the wives/girlfriends/partner of the soccer team beat them in a match of soccer, then they give up soccer forever. There is a lot of mind games going on in this film which keeps it interesting. Too bad I don’t know the name of the film. Have you watched it? What’s the film’s name?

Arriving Singapore
21:05 I arrive Singapore! Now I just got to find my mom. My flight was almost an hour late and I’ve only got 10 min before my mom’s flight lands. I’ve no clue which gate she arrives, but luckily Singapore airport has computers all over the place providing free internet! I find out that she will be arriving T1, but I’m in T3. It’s at least an 8 min walk to the shuttle, 3 min wait, 3 min transfer and… essentially I’ll be late to my mom’s gate. I hurriedly pass by all the pretty duty free shops and lovely cafes. The airport is HUGE, at least it seems so because I feel lost often. I ask the info desk about my mom’s fight and they tell me it’s at the gate. I reach my mom’s gate only to see that it’s quiet.

21:40 I search for her in the immigration lines but don’t find her. Has she made it to the luggage belts? So I stand in line, mentally hurrying the immigration officials so that I can find my poor lost mother.

21:55 After 15 minutes in line with only 2 people in front of me, I look back to find my mom in the back of the line. I leave my spot and join her. I guess it has been a long while since we’ve seen each other, because it took her a few seconds to realize it was her own daughter talking to her. She thought some stranger was starting a conversation with her.

22:30 We pass immigrations and pick up a few tourist brochures. We had to sift through different languages and found some in English or Chinese.

22:45 We’ve got my mom’s luggage and we’ve found the shuttle bus counter. We opted for a shuttle bus for $9 SGD each, which will drop us off at the door of the hostel.

23:05 We’re on the shuttle and pass by the East Coast Lagoon food village. It’s late at night but it still seems to be bustling with people. I wonder how we’ll be able to get there some other day from downtown.

23:35 We arrive Little India and our hostel. Stepping off the shuttle and into the street we’re disorientated for a few seconds. The sidewalk are narrow and there are shadows on the street. There’s a group of people drinking at an outdoor table of the pub next door, kind of loud. There’s this petite sized women wearing a short dress sitting on the curb shaking like she’s going through some kind of withdrawal, I think she’s pretty gone and I’m thinking to myself “Where am I?” I try to enter the hostel and when the doors won’t budge realize that I need to call to be let in. There’s even a pin pad. This is totally not what I had expected. But inside, the hostel is inviting and there are people on their laptops at the tables. The front desk guy is welcoming and checks us in. There is a shoe shelf next to the stairs to the rooms, and a sign asking people not to wear shoes in the rooms. I hadn’t expected that either even though I’m used to not wearing shoes in the house. The front desk guy tells us that our rooms are in their other building a block away where there are private rooms, and he leads us out onto the street and walks us there. We pass by more people sitting on the curb and a few drunk people. Shoes are to be taken off at the other building as well. Our room has bunk beds and a bathroom, but feels dreary and sparse. My mom and I both realize we’ve forgotten some toiletries and didn’t bring towels, but even knowing 7-11 is only a block away we decide not to venture out again. We get ready for bed and hope that the other hostel we’re staying with for the remainder of our stay will be much better.

Helen's big 30

I realize now that how I have been brought up has only prepared me for the first 30 years of my life. I've been brought up to be independent, patient, kind, adaptable to new environments but unyielding to peer pressure, have a thirst for knowledge and willingness to share or even teach, constantly seeking self-improvement, to learn Chinese values but not be bound by them, and have the courage to pick up and move somewhere new even if it's on the other side of the world. These qualities have helped me get through 18 years of school, 6 years of work, and almost 4 years of marriage. I could have done them better, but the hardships and failures have a lesson of their own and I would not trade them away. I thank many people for being a part of my life and helping me become the person I am today.

Sadly, what I have now realized is all that I have learned will not nearly be enough to get me through the next 30+ years. Who will I become and how shall I do it? Wife, hopefully mother, and with or without a career? I don't even know where to start, what to change, and how to prepare. Shall I find a few role models and emulate? Who do you look up to and how can I relate? Or shall I pave a new road and find my own way? I see only bits and pieces of my future, of the person I could be, and as long as she is loved by you I think that future is all right with me.

Holding hands

Have we been married so long that we don't automatically hold hands as we walk down the street? When was the last time we strolled instead of rushing from point A to B?

Once upon a long time ago, that first hand holding was such a big deal. Being seen walking in public holding hands made us shy but had such a thrill. We'd look anywhere but at each other and try to look all cool. It was a declaration. It was a commitment. We'd get promise rings, and the touch of the cool metal when we held hands reassured us.

Then soon we were joined at the hip and our hands only disengaged long enough to do what we needed to before being joined again. Even at meals! Our hands would be joined under the table if we sat next to each other, or overlapped on the table if we sat across from each other. They'd be joined when watching a movie on the sofa, joined when we danced, and joined when we fell asleep in bed. There was this secret language going on when our hands were joined. A scratch, a squeeze, a pick of the finger nail, a repetitive smoothing motion, a tickle, even the warmth or sweat of the palm. The sparkle of the diamond made our skin glow. The metal of our wedding rings were never cold as they never came off and our hands kept them warm.

At some point holding hands became a means of dragging the other to walk faster to point B. Then we didn't even hold hands anymore and we'd argue about how we couldn't have a conversation anymore because you walked ahead and I would walk behind you. Communication broke down and our hands didn't talk anymore. We're all good now, but we haven't held hands much since.

But just the other day, we left the house together. The day was bright and your stride was easy. My eyes drew to your bare hand resting against your thigh. I reached for your hand with a smirk and glanced at your face. You smiled too and said "What do you think you're doing?" in an easy voice, an echo of what you'd used to say when I reached for your hand back in the day, acting as if the paparazzi ware going to jump out of the bushes and take pictures of us, and the hearts of millions of girls around the world would break. My smirk was the anticipatory answer to that question: "HA! Yeah right. Puh-leeze." conveyed in less than a second. Our hands stayed joined for our small walk to the end of the block.

Next I'm bringing back the swinging while we're walking, which makes you cringe inside and shatters your cool image to the millions of your imagined female fans. Maybe I'll even drag you down the street skipping with a BIG smile on my face just to show them that you're mine.

You should hold my hand more else I think of other things to do. I get creative when I'm over excited. =p

What is Helen up to?

So what do I do with my time? Besides doing some translation work, doing house chores, procrastinating on errands, reading news/blogs, watching videos from US or Asia on the internet... I am also working on a few things during the weekday:

- I meet with Carolina twice a week to exchange some Chinese for Spanish. 2 months later I'm only on Chapter 3 in Spanish and she's at least on Chapter 6 in Chinese. We meet at 10:30AM and afterward we go have lunch somewhere. I've invited Michelle to join us and we're gonna go try out reasonably priced set menu brunches/luncheons/afternoon tea places in Beijing. It's nice to have some girls time.

- I like to host a cooking session at our house once or twice a month. Another friend, Helen, comes over (and anyone else that is free during the daytime) and we try out new recipes or show-off a favorite dish or two. We're learning new things about cooking from each other (or from failures) and have a grand feast for dinner.

- I've been doing some Yoga at home once or twice a week. It gets easier after a while and I can see why people have said that yoga is addictive. Your body craves that stretching feeling after a day or two.

Helen on habits

I resent routines, I resent these so called habits.

I resent my bad habits, so much that I'm in denial about them and try to justify them. Bad habits like procrastination: I justify to myself that what I gotta do has too many unknown factors, that I've got too many things on my plate now, that I'll do it when it's the right time or that I still have plenty of time to do it... etc. Is it still procrastinating when I'm trying to talk myself out of procrastinating? I guess the answer is the same as is it still quitting if you're still smoking? hmm...

I also resent having to develop good habits. Everyone's got a few they tell you is good for you. Making your bed. Taking your vitamins. Read the bible. Exercise 3 times a week. Dentist twice a year. But I'm already spending all my time trying to rid myself of bad habits, where am I gonna find time to develop good habits? There's only 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year, and I'll probably only have 90 years if I'm lucky.

My brother chatted with me in the car one day, and from our talk I figured out why I have these resentments. It's a childhood thing. Being told what to do, how to use my time, what to aspire to, all in all how to live my life but not really having a say in it. That's all natural, everyone's been through that. But here is why children need good role models: because if you're not a good role model then saying these things make you a hypocrite. What I mean is that to suggest a good habit but not taking the same medicine, makes one a hypocrite and the suggestion loses its weight. It actually may do harm.

So I guess I want control over my life. I guess I want life to be fair. Even if all logic points to it being good for me, I still want to make the call. And for something to become a habit, it means everyday I have to decide to do it. If it hasn't become a habit, then that means some days I said no. And I relish my right to say no, even if it bites me in the butt later.

But I also find that I have so much I want to share with people that I care for. My words won't carry weight unless I'm a good role model. How do I take care of them if I can't take care of myself? How will I care for them when it takes me 2 hours to cook dinner, a week to complete an errand, or a month just to write a blog post? Am I still in control? Am I still a good role model if I have good intent but lack in execution? And wasn't that what I resented in others in the first place?

Doh!

“Why do we fall?”

I am in a fight, a big fight. Now this isn’t like any other fight that I’ve been in before. The fight has been going on for a while and I’ve taken some really good shots. My face is numb, my body sore, my knuckles bloody. It seems that my opponent has an endless arsenal of weapons to attack me with. They attack flurries and they come out from nowhere. I catch a straight shot in the gut. Normally, my washboard abs can absorb it, but my knees buckle and I go down. This is different. I normally bounce right back up, but somehow this time is different.

I kneeled there, grasping my gut, as if that would make the pain go away quicker. In that moment, I wondered. I wondered when someone gets knocked down, why they get back up? Do they really think they stand a chance? Do they think they can win the fight? Do they just want to go the distance? Or are they so use to getting up after being knocked down, that it is just a reflex for them? My mind wanders. I get back up.

I look around and I’m on a dark street. All I see is the streetlight above me that keeps a small portion of the street lit. It’s just enough to see a few yards in front of me. The ground is damp and the air is cool. I hear in the distance people on the street and cars going by. It’s very faint; it’s very dark.

My assailants continue their onslaught. They come swinging with their fists and legs. They are trying to knock me out. I do my best to block the flurry of punches and kicks at me, but my face wants to say hello and my head hits the pavement.

Ah… it feels so good, the cold pavement against my bloody face. This should keep the swelling down. Yes, it feels that good. I could stay here a while. It hurts, but the cold damp pavement just feels that good. If I get up, who knows what else these unknown assailants will throw at me? At least down here they leave you alone, right? I contemplate that for what feels like an eternity.

Yes, this was indeed very different; I use to bounce right up! What’s going on here? How long am I down for? Do I get back up? But it feels good just being here. Don’t I usually just get up? Why must I get up? Heart. I repeat to myself, Heart. People get up because they have something to fight for, someone to fight for. Something they believe in. Do I have heart? Do I believe? I muster just enough strength to get up. This time was more difficult than the last. I don’t think I can get up again. I have to find a way to end this.

I started to focus my energy and look for someway to fight back. There must be something to give me the edge; I just need to find it and find it quick! The streetlight started to glow brighter. I saw more of my surroundings. Just a couple of street thugs I thought. I will endure; I must go on.

My sweat drips down my forehead and down my face. I try to wipe it away but it’s no use. The sweat gets into my eyes and it starts to stings. I start to doubt myself. I feel slow, my fists are like lead weights and my legs are like jello. This fight has gone on for a long time and I’m tired. The fists keep coming and I’m blocking and parrying their attacks. It seems to get repetitive. They throw a punch, I block. They throw a kick, I move out of the way. Occasionally, they land a punch or more. This last time, I catch a body combo that ends with an upper cut to the face. I go down like a sack of potatoes.

I’d like to say that I put up a good fight, but my face says otherwise. Battered, bruised and bloodied. Heart, I repeat to myself, Heart. I gathered my strength and start to get myself up. I plant my palms firmly on the ground and push my self up. As I get to my knees, I hear this sound; it’s an unmistakable sound, the sound of a lead pipe being scraped across the ground. I look to my side and sure enough there it was. Before I was able to get on my feet again, they take a swing and hit me on my side. I go down again. I think I hear a crack. I probably should say, I think I hear a few cracks. Pretty low blow I thought. At least they could’ve waited till I got up and was ready to fight. I guess they weren’t kidding when they said, “When it rains, it pours.”

Heart. I say to myself again, Heart. However, I’m not moving. What is so different this time? My arms are covering my side. I felt my ribs. It definitely feels like a few are broken. I don’t think I can go on. I lay there in agony. I really don’t think I can go on and I contemplate just laying there. Heart I say again, Heart. But like before, nothing is happening. I lay there still; tears start streaming down my face. Is this it? Is this all I have? Is this what I’ve amounted to? They say a true test of someone’s character is when they are down. Is this what will be said about me? Is this my character?

I move my arms and plant my palms firmly on the ground and push myself up. Do you really want to get up? Who said that? Was that them or was that me? It’s significantly louder now too. Is that a crowd? I ponder that for a moment.

Heart, I say, Heart. How badly do I want it? How much is it worth to me? I think back to just before the fight. It was all right there. It was all right in front of us. Us? That’s right! It’s what we’ve been fighting for, striving for all this time! This fight was just another obstacle. One of many that we will face on our journey. When people fall, I don’t know why they get up. I can’t speak for them. I can only speak for myself.

I get to my knees and I start getting kicked in the gut. However, it does not hurt. I look to my left and then to my right. I can see all around me, the streetlight is bright enough for me to see the entire block. I look around and see my assailants. I look beyond them and see a crowd; it’s blurry so I look more closely. I see my family. I see my friends.

I push myself up. The kicks are coming quicker and faster. A hand is extended to me. This really is no different than before. It just took me longer to find my way. I reach out to grab the hand; it has a familiar touch. My eyes follow the hand up the arm to their face. I see Helen, my wife and my best friend. I have a surge of energy, I feel refreshed and I know.

I get up.

2008 was a challenging year for me, both personally and professionally. I went through a lot of physical and mental anguish that I thought I would break. The path in front of me is more demanding, more challenging and, more difficult. But I know.

I get up. We get up. We move forward.

“Why do we fall?”

“So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”